Every morning when I wake up, I tell myself I’m going to write at least 3 chapters of my current work in progress. The number one problem with that is, I have 3 current works in progress and my brain literally hurts just thinking about them. Problem number two – shiny things. Like mulletjunky.com Go ahead, take a minute to look at that website. All female mullets, all the time.
Okay, stop looking at the mullets and come back to me. And number B, contrary to what some people think, I don’t get to just sit and write all day. There’s answering emails, conference calls with editors, outlining, promoting, marketing, giveaways, book signings, trying to remember if I put on pants when I woke up, Googling to see if hookers give receipts, and getting into an argument with my assistant and my accountant that buying a hooker absolutely falls under the “research” category.
I’m going to take a moment to let you know what I’m working on so that you don’t think I’m just sitting here Googling hookers. While inspirational and fun, it’s not productive. So, here we go, in no particular order.
*One manuscript finished (out of 3 total) for my Amazon Publishing deal, the Fool Me Once series. Romantic comedy/suspense. Think Stephanie Plum but with my brand of humor and hot sex. These 3 books will be out in 2014. I know, it’s a long way off, but these things take time when you’re with a traditional publisher and have a team of editors and production assistants who need to look over everything. So, if I want anything for my fans to read before February 2014, I need to write these books at the same time as other, indie books. (still with me?)
*Writing 2nd manuscript in the Fool Me Once series, as well as editing the first manuscript.
*Writing Gavin’s book as a spin-off to the Chocolate Lovers series. Yes, if you haven’t heard the news, Gavin is getting his own book! It will not be part of the Chocolate Lovers series. That series is finished. I’m not sure yet if this will turn into a series or if Gavin’s book will just be a stand-alone. I’ll know when I type “The End”.
*Writing the 3rd Playing with Fire book. If you read the excerpt at the end of Because of You, then you know Austin and Gwen’s book is next up. The tentative title for that one is “Worn Me Down”.
Right now, I have NO publication dates set for Gavin’s book or Worn Me Down. I’m hoping *fingers crossed* to have Gavin’s book out by the first week in October. Maybe sooner, depending on how distracted I get by hookers.
So yeah, my brain has the hurts and I have no idea what day it is. And yet, I’m still thinking of other things to do. Like this post. Which I’m thinking of turning into a weekly update/inappropriate fun thing. Today, for your viewing pleasure, I am going to review something I heard about the other day. So sit back, grab a drink, and try not to throw up.
Name of item up for review – V-Steam
Let me just take a moment and give you the “official” description of V-Steam, taken from the Renew Physical Therapy website:
“Vaginal steam baths, or “bajos” as they are known in Spanish or “chai-yok” as they are known in Korea is an ancient remedy for enhancement of female pelvic and uterine health. Think of this luxurious modality as a facial for your lady parts. V- Steams are natural and non-invasive; it’s just steam and natural herbs rising into your vagina.”
Did you catch that?? VAGINAL STEAM BATHS. A facial for your vagina. Also taken from that website: “the steamy mixture of brewing herbs rises up into your vagina; warming and soothing everything in it’s path.”
Steamy mixture, rises up into your vagina? Oh holy Jesus. I don’t…I can’t even…this is just…I can’t. Basically, you sit on a specially designed chair (I’m picturing something akin to a cushioned toilet seat) and this herbal mixture RISES up into your vagina. Rises up, into your vagina. Steamy herbs. I don’t know what kind of steamy herbs and I don’t know if I WANT to know. When I think of herbs, I think of oregano, parsley, and cilantro. I’m sorry, but my vagina does not need a salsa steam bath, even if it does come with a side of Tostitos. I’m guessing those aren’t the herbs they use. Probably better smelling things like rosemary and lavender or something. But still. Herbs in your vagina. STEAMED HERBS IN YOUR VAGINA. I’m not sure if you’re really grasping this procedure. You sit on a toilet and something is shot up into your vagina. Okay, maybe not shot up there. That would sting the vagina. And as you now know, this is all about SOOTHING the vagina.
And let’s talk about that name: V-Steam. I’m guessing this was invented in Hollywood and it’s all the rage with Kim Kardashian and shit. Something like this doesn’t need a pretty name like V-Steam. Just call it what it is. Vagina Vapor, Pussy Parboil, Snatch Simmer, or Beaver Brew. If I were to get something like this (when hell freezes over and pigs fly) I would be loud and proud and demand a BEAVER BREW.
And can we just stop with inventing weird things? Just…stop. I get it, it’s supposed to help with infertility and a bunch of other things, but really? Isn’t your vagina steamed enough when your significant other doesn’t use a condom? That stuff is warm, and pretty soothing. Am I right? I have a better idea. Tell your husband/boyfriend/one-night-stand to chow down on some lavender and lilacs before he goes to town. Simple, cost effective, and you don’t have to walk into a spa and ask for a vagina steam bath. Out loud. This could provide for a very interesting evening though if you’re out with your girlfriends and have had copious amounts of liquor. Walk into a spa and tell them your vagina needs a facial. And make sure to take pictures of you sitting on the vagina toilet with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth, a bottle of beer in your hand, a mud mask on your face and cucumbers on your eyes. See if they’ll give you a two-for-one deal. Party between your legs, business on your face.
This week’s question: Would you ever get a V-Steam?