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  Feb19

Things I Learned at Wicked Girls Book Weekend

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In case you live under a rock and missed all of the Facebook photos and Twitter commentary, I was in Orlando this weekend for a book signing.  If you were there, I’m sure you’re in the same boat as me and you no longer have a liver, a voice or any clue where your underwear went.  If you didn’t go, you missed an amazing time.  From what I’ve heard.  And read about on Facebook.

Make sure you like the Ana’s Attic page on Facebook IMMEDIATELY! https://www.facebook.com/anasatticbookblog/

Planning is already in the works for next year’s weekend and you don’t want to miss it!  But, because I’m nice, I’ll give you a recap of the things I learned this past weekend.

1.  It’s very easy to pee your pants and cry at the same time.  Very easy.

2.  Shannon topples tables.  Or likes to be topless, I’m still not sure which.

3. Magic Mike is the worst movie ever made.  Porn has better acting and story lines.

4.  Red headed sluts are delicious.  And so are the drinks.

5.  A vibrating table costs $1,600 and a gold dildo costs $13,500 and neither one does the dishes.

6.  Anything you say at the Melting Pot can be turned sexual.  Anything.

7.  Eight women in one room sound like goats who sound like humans.  What?

8.  Uncircumcised penises look like Chinese finger traps.

9.  Don’t ask anyone to explain Spiderman.  Or we will.

10. Crazy bitches need beer STAT.

11.  Golf carts with drivers named Julio Grapefruit will take out old ladies with canes.

12. Carlos likes to stick it in.

13. Five women are not the quiet ninjas they think they are when sneaking into someone’s bedroom to diddle her with Slick Willie.

14. Florida is fucking cold.

15. A hoard of goat-screaming women can all sit in the same room having conversations with each other on Facebook and Twitter while screaming across the room at each other without batting an eye.

16. Mmmmmmmm Bradley Cooper.

17. You really CAN make an entire restaurant empty out by yelling “vagina” and “her pussy smells like Irish Spring”.

18. Whatever you say, can and will be Tweeted against you

19.  It’s possible to shit Skittles.

20. Henry the Ass Raping Gnome spooges blue cheese dressing.

21. You can tell a 15 year old boy to go fuck his mother without getting arrested.  I think.

22.  You can walk into the kitchen at the Melting Pot with goat sounds coming out of your ass and no one notices.

23. Wearing a sparkly necklace that says “WHORE” will get you a lot of funny looks.  Who knew?

24. It’s possible to drink so much that you drink yourself sober.

25. The tickets to this weekend should have come with a free trip to rehab.

 

  Feb6

Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Er, Russian?

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Just a little exciting news to share with you on this loveliest of hump days.

I’ve signed a foreign rights deal with Valentina, a publisher in  Brazil for Seduction and Snacks!  So brush up on your Portuguese folks and you’ll be able to walk into a bookstore over there and see how “vagina hands” translates.  (FYI, mãos da vagina, that’s how “vagina hands” translates according to Google Translator.  Do not be alarmed if you see me and I start shouting “MAOS DA VAGINA!!!”)

Also, Seduction and Snacks AND Futures and Frosting have both been acquired by Eksmo Publishing in Russia.  I’ve always wanted to go to Russia.  Mostly to drink my weight in Russian vodka.  Maybe I can convince them to send me a few bottles when they send me the translated versions…

You have no idea how excited I am to receive copies of these books once they are translated and have absolutely no clue what they say!

Last, but not least, audible.com has bought the rights to all three books in the Chocolate Lovers series!  As much as I’d love to have Betty White read my books, sadly, I do not get to chose who the voice actress is.  Do you know what this means, ladies??  Now your boyfriends, husbands, ball and chains can read/listen to my books without the fear that someone will see them reading a chick book.  Score!!  As soon as the books are live on audible.com, you’ll be the first to know!  Well, aside from me.  Hopefully I’m the first to know.

So that’s my news for now.  Make sure to check out the Events tab above to see if I’ll be invading a city near you for a book signing.  Or just stick your head out the window and keep your ears open for me screaming “MAOS DA VAGINA!” or “влагалища руками”.  That’s the Russian version, by the way.  And now that I look at it, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what words look/sound like when I’m drunk screaming.

I hope you’ll be able to make it to one of these signings because I just ordered the BEST swag ever.  I’m not kidding.  You’re going to die.  I almost snorted to death making them online.

влагалища руками!!

XOXO

Tara