In case you live under a rock and missed all of the Facebook photos and Twitter commentary, I was in Orlando this weekend for a book signing. If you were there, I’m sure you’re in the same boat as me and you no longer have a liver, a voice or any clue where your underwear went. If you didn’t go, you missed an amazing time. From what I’ve heard. And read about on Facebook.
Make sure you like the Ana’s Attic page on Facebook IMMEDIATELY! https://www.facebook.com/anasatticbookblog/
Planning is already in the works for next year’s weekend and you don’t want to miss it! But, because I’m nice, I’ll give you a recap of the things I learned this past weekend.
1. It’s very easy to pee your pants and cry at the same time. Very easy.
2. Shannon topples tables. Or likes to be topless, I’m still not sure which.
3. Magic Mike is the worst movie ever made. Porn has better acting and story lines.
4. Red headed sluts are delicious. And so are the drinks.
5. A vibrating table costs $1,600 and a gold dildo costs $13,500 and neither one does the dishes.
6. Anything you say at the Melting Pot can be turned sexual. Anything.
7. Eight women in one room sound like goats who sound like humans. What?
8. Uncircumcised penises look like Chinese finger traps.
9. Don’t ask anyone to explain Spiderman. Or we will.
10. Crazy bitches need beer STAT.
11. Golf carts with drivers named Julio Grapefruit will take out old ladies with canes.
12. Carlos likes to stick it in.
13. Five women are not the quiet ninjas they think they are when sneaking into someone’s bedroom to diddle her with Slick Willie.
14. Florida is fucking cold.
15. A hoard of goat-screaming women can all sit in the same room having conversations with each other on Facebook and Twitter while screaming across the room at each other without batting an eye.
16. Mmmmmmmm Bradley Cooper.
17. You really CAN make an entire restaurant empty out by yelling “vagina” and “her pussy smells like Irish Spring”.
18. Whatever you say, can and will be Tweeted against you
19. It’s possible to shit Skittles.
20. Henry the Ass Raping Gnome spooges blue cheese dressing.
21. You can tell a 15 year old boy to go fuck his mother without getting arrested. I think.
22. You can walk into the kitchen at the Melting Pot with goat sounds coming out of your ass and no one notices.
23. Wearing a sparkly necklace that says “WHORE” will get you a lot of funny looks. Who knew?
24. It’s possible to drink so much that you drink yourself sober.
25. The tickets to this weekend should have come with a free trip to rehab.