Apr17

Who Wants to Live With Me?!

39 Comments

When I bring my poor husband along to book signings, he’s regularly told that it must be so awesome to live with me. He usually just smiles and nods even though what he really wants to say is “Are you fucking kidding me? She’s a hot mess at home!” He deserves a great big pat on the back for never telling the truth about how insane it is to live with someone who writes full time. In honor of his awesomeness, I’m going to share with you just how amazing it is to live with me. Try to contain your excitement.

1. I love to dress up for book signings. Usually, you’ll see me in a dress and 4 inch stilettos. I’ve managed to fool all of you into thinking I’m quite comfortable dressing like this and do it all the time. I used to. I worked in the corporate world for 14 years and wore stuff like that every single day. At home, I wear the same yoga pants, t-shirt and Ugg slippers for 8 days at a time. When I get dressed up for book signings and slip those awesome shoes on, I look like a newborn horse first learning how to walk. If you’re standing anywhere near me, I will latch onto your arm and bring you down with me.

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(WOMAN DOWN!)

 

 

2. Please refer to #1: I don’t change my clothes or shower for 8 days at a time. Showering takes away precious time. Time that I need to photoshop meerkats holding one of my books or Google my name in Urban Dictionary. I mean write. Time I need to write.

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3. If you don’t text, I probably will never speak to you again. Checking my voicemail requires time that I don’t have (please see Meerkat photoshop addiction). I’m sorry I missed your birthday party…six months ago, and wasn’t able to answer that really important question that was so important you didn’t state it in said voicemail that you left me 2 years ago. I’ll get back to you when I teach my smartphone how to actually be smart.
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4. If I have my laptop, phone or iPad in my hand, chances are I will hear nothing you are saying to me and ask you to repeat yourself 5 times before I finally admit defeat and tell you I wasn’t listening, nor am I planning to. It’s probably best if you just send me a text from way over there on the love seat.
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5. When I quit my office job to write full time, I was so excited to be home and have all day to plan amazing meals and try new recipes. I’m sorry you quickly had to learn that “new recipes” meant new boxes of cereal being thrown on the table and me having constant bitch-face whenever you ask me what’s for dinner. And when you say to me “You know, tonight was the first night you’ve cooked in like 6 months?”, don’t be surprised if I look at you and say “Fuck your face right off.”
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6. You probably thought PMS was the only time you would have to deal with an emotional, crazy woman who would be laughing hysterically one minute and curled up in the fetal position crying the next. Sorry to say that this roller coaster of emotions will happen every single time I am writing a book, finish a book, release a book or think about a book I want to write, finish or release. So basically, every day.
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7. When I read you a sentence from something I’m writing and the expected response is laughter, you should probably laugh. Or at least crack a smile. Saying something like “I guess I need to read the rest of it to get the humor in that sentence” will most likely turn my current work in progress into a psychological thriller filled with blood and a horrific, painful death. Yours, in case you were wondering.
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8. I will come up with the perfect scene at the most inopportune times. Most likely when we’re having sex. Luckily, these are typically sex scenes so when you hear me whispering about the exact motion of your hips and the placement of your hands, just be confident in the fact that you’re doing so well I feel the need to memorialize it forever in print. Unless of course you’re doing something wrong.
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9. I will complain constantly that I need more hours in the day to get everything done. And then I will take a nap because it’s easier than thinking about all the things I need to do. Don’t judge me.
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10. I never leave the house. Ever. I really don’t know how I went into an office every single day. I actually took a shower, got dressed up and put on make-up every single day. In a little over a year I have become a hermit and I don’t even care. It needs to be something pretty major to drag my ass out of this house. But let’s be honest here, even if my house is on fire, I will probably just look at the fire and be like “Eh, I’ve got shit to do. You’re going to have to come up with something better than burning all of my worldly possessions to get me out of my yoga pants and off of this couch.”
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11. I will be oblivious to everything going on around me (see #10 regarding house fire). At some point during the night I will turn to you and say “The kids are already in bed? Geeze, that’s early.” To which you will reply “Honey, it’s 2am. They kissed you goodnight 5 hours ago.”  I have a chapter to finish and when that happens, I usually forget that I even have kids and that they actually still live with us.
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12. Don’t be surprised if in the middle of a conversation, I either:  A.) Get up and walk away, B.)Straight up tell you to shut your mouth  C.)Start crying, D.)Tell you I suck at everything and THEN start crying, E.)Tell you I’m awesome and then laugh maniacally, F.)Call someone a fuck face dick nose shit stick asshole and it may or may not be you I’m referring to, G.)All of the above, all at the same time.  It’s most likely nothing you’ve said or done so don’t be afraid. As a writer, we have this thing called bat shit crazy. Unfortunately, there is no cure. Side effects may cause homicidal tendencies.
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13. Just because I suddenly decide to clean out the pantry, take up a craft project I saw on Pinterest or alphabetize all of my books doesn’t mean I have nothing to do and you should proceed to make a list of things I could do instead. It means I have writer’s block or I’m procrastinating something I don’t want to do involving my characters. Any and all suggestions regarding what I can do next will be met with a swift kick to the face. Additionally, saying things like “Shouldn’t you be writing?” will result in you no longer having testicles.
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14. When I get into the “zone” and you see me hacking away at my computer in fierce concentration, don’t ask me what’s for dinner, if I’ve seen the sock you lost, if you can have a piece of candy, show me a video on Facebook that’s hilarious, read an article out loud to me, talk, breathe, blink or look in my general direction. It’s best if you just leave without saying a word. I won’t worry or even notice that you’re gone, it’s fine. I will LITERALLY lose my shit when I’m in the zone and you interrupt me. Lose it all over the place.
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I’m pretty sure that after reading this and being reminded of my awesomeness, hubs might be moving out. Although to be fair, he’s the one who gave me all of these items so really, it’s his own fault.

39 Comments

  • Delene Yochum says:

    What can I say… best damn blog piece I’ve read in a long time!! Sing it to the Choir Whoop!!

  • Kelly C says:

    Bwahahahahahaha! I loved this and 4, 9 and 12 sound just like me.

  • Lisa Fay says:

    I have been telling my husband that we were soul bff’s. He thinks I am crazy. I give him Exhibit A.

  • Sally G. says:

    Ha ha!! That is the best blog entry I have ever read! Now I need to meet you in person to see what you say from your #12 A-G list. And who listens to messages anymore? That takes way too much time! 🙂

  • Christine woods says:

    This is so me. My husband just told me I don’t know how to be a housewife. I hate staying at home but I’m having chronic back pain. I love your books. I’m reading the newest one now. I told him I would live to write a book.

  • Leigh James says:

    I love this post. Printing for my husband.
    It was timely for me, too, because I was thinking earlier today that the best things about being a writer (as opposed to other professions) was that (a) you can actually drink on the job; (b) it’s totally acceptable to cry while you’re at work and (c) you never have to wear pants that button. NOT EVER.
    Best to you.
    xxoo

  • Jennifer Darnell says:

    Best most honest blog I have ever read!!! LOVE LOVE it !!!!

  • Anas Attic Book Blog says:

    I’m with you on 2.3.4.5.9.10 and 11 and I’m not even an author. I love you whore, even when you are smelly.

  • Joanne Christenson says:

    I love you….love your honesty….I still wanna live with you and sling shot food into your mouth from across the room…..I can also reel you in deodorant and dry shampoo. I got you! !

  • Yvette S says:

    Outstanding!! That is all…

  • John F says:

    Are you my wife? Thank you for writing this post. Everything you said was spot on. Up until now I had no point of reference to explain my wife’s behavior. When she became a successful YA author I thought we would live happily ever after. I was so happy when she got her first contract. I thought this is “following your bliss” as Joseph Campbell said. He just did not mention the incredible amount of stress that might come with it. I love my wife dearly and I feel a need to protect her whether it is from her editor, Goodreads or bloggers. I do not mess with her agent. In reality I am powerless over all these things. I guess all me and the kids can do is love her and be there for here.

  • Alana Rock says:

    I just love the fuck out of you. Is that weird? A stranger, reader, admirerer, and female, too… if it makes you feel any better, I’m married. *awkward silence* Alrighty then… anyhow, I’d live with you as long as you don’t mind equal parts of crazy thrown back at you, along with maybe some poo. (not from me, my youngest has ‘issues’… did you know that poo can end up on the ceiling. I shit you not.) Now that I’ve gotten my obligatory embarassment of my freak self done for the day, carry on!

  • Breezy says:

    I needed a good laugh today and I just got it. One of the best blog posts ever! Funny enough, you sound like my kind of people! =)

    Have a great day!

    B

  • Heather Martin says:

    you sound like an amazing person, and really genuine. Thanks for sharing about yourself.

  • Melissa Durbin says:

    I love it!! All I can say is at least your honest and you own your shit. You rock and don’t change a thing!!!

  • Lourie Staib says:

    Bless your husband, he lives in Crazytown. You need to meet Robyn Peterman Zahn, she is crazy too. Can you tell, I enjoy crazy people.

  • Chris says:

    LMAO I would love to spend a day in your house !!!!!

  • Sandy says:

    Absolutely love this blog!! Keep up the good work!! Lol.

  • Karen L says:

    thanks for my laugh of the day!

  • Rebecca says:

    Wow! I’m like this daily except for the fact that I get up, get dressed and go to the office. I want to write, I’ve started to write, the story is sitting unfinished because I don’t make the time to write. Maybe I really should be a writer.

  • Jennie W says:

    One of the best posts I’ve ever read! Then again everything you write is awesome! but this was just perfect!!!! thanks for sharing! I’d live with you anytime and I’m a huge fan of meerkats too 😉

  • Jean Tallman says:

    I want your life….

  • Sheyla says:

    After a day of hearing my kids and husband bitch, whine, scream, talk all sorts of stupidities all I wanna do is be left alone and read your books lol… It’s like you understand me and there is nothing wrong with being a hermit!! Motherhood, career woman, wife, blah blah blah… A hermit it is!!! I usually just hide in my walk in closet with my ipad and read until they can find me 🙂 Your lifestyle has not gone in vain, at he end of the day it makes people like me happy!!

  • Tanika Justice says:

    Laughing sooo hard reading this in my car
    while waiting to pick up my son, the lady
    beside me moves away! Bahahaha…bitches!!
    Your AWESOME!!

  • Kimberly T says:

    Fucking awesome!!

  • Laura Crawford says:

    OMG! I think we were separated at birth! LOL! I can relate to all of these, except the being home all the time to write part. I’m still holding down a retail job to pay the bills, but you give me hope, Tara Sivec! HOPE! 🙂

  • Dana Irvine says:

    OMG – this is freaking awesome and you made me laugh as always!! THANKS

  • Erin says:

    You are hilarious. hah.

  • Carol Savoy says:

    OMG!Thank you!!! I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. I will be wearing a smile for the rest of the day!

  • Merelyn says:

    I laughed so hard through that whole post that I cried lmao…this is hilarious!!! 🙂

  • Brenda H says:

    That was just AWESOME!!!

  • Jennifer says:

    Well after meeting you, I already knew you could go bat shit crazy at times. I would still want to live with you, or at least close enough that I could study you. I think I could totally use my degree in sociology and watch you and your lovely family and come up with a study, write a paper, get a research grant and make lots of money by creating a “safety retreat” for authors and a separate one for their families. Therefore no homicidal tendencies would take place.

    Just kidding. This was awesome to read. I am crying from laughing so hard

  • Diana Huffer says:

    Holy crap! That gif of the model in high heels made both of my ankles hurt! Ugh! And that last gif, with all the blood, well — it was just a little creepy!

    Loved this article — you are a card! 😀

  • Lorelei aka bookcrazed2013 says:

    I absolutely ♡ you hard! Not only are you a brilliant writer bug you are just plain brilliant! I hope to get to meet you someday!

  • Kerry Dill Genova says:

    This settles it once and for all…we need a girl compound. You, me, and the rest of the whorehouse. You described my life. Minus the writing. And violence. Ok, minus the writing only. I love your beautiful face, crazy talented mind, make-you-pee-your-pants sense of humor, and yes, even your homicidal tendencies.

    PS…if we both wear our tees and yoga pants for 8 days straight, we won’t notice we smell. Rock on!

  • Barbara Pomales says:

    Im just glad crazy isnt a state of mind with u its ur happy place /home…

  • Tina Smith says:

    Phew, glad I am not the only one. I could relate so much that I laughed out loud and had to read it to my daughter, she saw the similarities straight away. Are we long lost Twins?

  • Mandy says:

    Brilliant!!! Love this post! And I totally lose my shit with everyone when I get interrupted while in ‘the zone’. It’s a relief to know I’m not alone! Thank you – mwah!

  • Jake Styles says:

    I think list is part of the reason why I wouldn’t write full time.

    *knock knock*
    “Good Morning Sir, we have reports of blood splatter arching from your back garden, may we come in?”

    “Ah yes, about that. I was writing a scene, and just couldn’t figure the bat swing properly, so I made a dummy, filled it with tomato sauce and beat the ever living snot out of it :P”

    *Police blinks several times* “Very good Sir, I’m just going to back away slowly and leave you about your business then, cheerio”

    *and back to the thwacking I go, HI HO HI HO*

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