Welcome to Hell…


It’s that time of year again. The time when teachers are jumping up and down with excitement and parents are beginning to rock back and forth in the corner sucking their thumbs. You know what I’m talking about – summer break.






The beginning of the year is always fun and exciting. New clothes, new school supplies; everything clean and tidy. Then somewhere around February it all goes to shit and you stop caring. In the beginning of the year, my daughter wore earrings and necklaces and hair bows that matched her outfit. Now, as long as she’s wearing pants I’m fine. Every day when my husband leaves to take them to school, I look at them and think “You look like homeless street urchins.” And yet, I let them go because I DON’T CARE.

Beginning of the year:








End of the year:










Homework? Forget it. If they haven’t learned what they need to by now, they’re screwed. First and fourth grade math was hard enough at the beginning of the year.

First couple of months
Me: All electronics off, everyone bring your homework to the kitchen table and we’ll do it together.
Daughter: I don’t understand this, it’s too hard.
Me: Well, let’s figure it out together and go over what you learned in class today.

Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: I don’t understand this, it’s too hard.
Me: Google it.

Beginning of the year – showers at least every other night that always included whining and crying and at least an hour of arguing about who has to go first and me always saying “Do you want to be the smelly kid in class????”

End of the year – “Fuck it, get in the pool.”








Every Sunday night, I have to sign my name to a piece of paper that says I reviewed all of the graded tests and homework that came home over the weekend. As you can see, somewhere around February I stopped caring if my signature was legible, mostly because I forgot to sign the damn thing and I did it Monday morning while I was driving them to school. Signing your name against the steering wheel is as hard as it sounds.










They both have spelling tests every Friday. At the beginning of the year, I’d give them written tests every night so they could practice and put them on this awesome website called Spelling City that lets them play word games with their spelling words.

Me: Do you have spelling words?
Them: Yes
Me: Do you know how to spell them?
Them: Yes
Me: Super. Go play.

At least summer break means no more feeling like an idiot because I can’t figure out 1st grade math homework, no more arguments about who is taking them to school, no more last minute trips to Walmart at 10pm because someone forgot to tell mom they have a book report due tomorrow on dragonflies and they need to build a $&@^@% dragonfly habitat and then when we get home I end up building the #^@%$ thing alone because SOMEONE fell asleep while I was using spray glue and my fingers were stuck together and I was making up all sorts of new curse words (shitballsack mother sucking dick piece of ass) because somehow a Fruit Loop became glued to the habitat and I’m pretty sure dragonflies don’t eat Fruit Loops.

I got an A on the habitat, in case you were wondering.

I think what I really hate about summer break is that it means my kids have gotten one year older. It’s depressing. Just yesterday they were tiny little babies who couldn’t talk back and never told me I suck because I wouldn’t let them use the sprinkler as soon as it got above 40 degrees.  So, for all of you parents dreading the start of summer break – when they start arguing, complaining they’re bored on the 2nd day and make you want to take up heavy drinking at 7am, just remember that time when they were teeny tiny and slept in your arms.

Then, start drinking at 7am.




  • Joanne Christenson says:

    I freaking love you 🙂 lmao…this is all so true

  • Ashley says:

    WOW, it’s like you’ve been having surveillance on me! That is EXACTLY how the school year flows for us!! Right down to the “Google it” comment! Lol I was laughing at my signature page last week hen I noticed at the begining of the year I would invert comments every week, and then I just started initialing it… Eventually it looks like I would have told one of the kids to get a crayon and sign it for momma! Hehe

  • Amanda says:

    I love this….somehow i got this bright idea that I’m going to homeschool my youngest next year so I’m thinking by the second week I’ll probably need a prescription of xanax

  • Catherine Bates says:

    Love it!! Mine waited a full week before the first I’m bored came out. I thought he knew better than saying that to me, cause he really doesn’t like my suggestions. They always involve either a manual labor or actually using that intelligent head of his. And of my two choices, he has to do one, not I’ll find something to do. I simply tell him, “you had your chance to find something, now I’m giving you a choice to do 1 of 2 things, since you couldn’t find anything to do.” One day he’ll learn to not be bored around me.

  • Brandon Eaves says:

    Yep. I have one in high school and it’s the same shit there as it was in middle and elementary school. The difference is that my kid likes to stay up until 2am playing video games and though he denies it, he’s fapping to porn after everyone is sleeping.

    The next morning me and him are both sitting at the kitchen table taking in the first cup of coffee and getting pissed off that we didn’t win the lottery so we could just say “fuck it” and spend the entire day in our soundproof room fapping to internet porn with the sound turned up.

    … not both of us together, mind you…

    Anyway, just giving you something to look forward too in the future. I’m off to enjoy some grape vodka induced bliss now.

  • Amy Lieber says:

    Oh my god! Finally someone who understands and promotes morning liquor

  • Miranda says:

    Yup that sums it up . . . except we are year round here so in 4 weeks we get to start all over in a new grade. lol

  • Becky says:

    I haven’t laughed this hard in a month!! So true!!

  • Tony says:

    Dragonflies DON’T eat Fruit Loops.
    LMFAO. I LOVE IT.!!!!!

  • Jen west says:

    I’m just glad I’m not the only one!!! Ugh, summer sucks ass!!!

  • Courtney Houston says:

    I LOVE summer break. My husband is a teacher. Summer break means that in the morning I can enjoy a cup of coffee my favorite way- alone. I can get ready for work without an infant and a toddler screaming. I get to leave for work 30 minutes later. I get a mother fucking showering in the morning. Summers are almost better than sex for me.

    • Carey says:

      So true! Although I too love summer break. My husband is a teacher and was home with the kids when they were too young to stay home by themselves. I enjoy only having to get myself ready in the morning. Although it is a bit tougher to get out of bed when everyone else is still sleeping. I showed the shower in the pool section to my 13 year old son and he smiled.

  • Clista says:

    You Always make me laugh! Enjoy your summer!

  • Laura Crawford says:

    Another reason I’m thrilled my son is 25 years old and goes to college online while working in the oil fields of ND. I get a call from him every couple of weeks to say, “Hi, Mom! Just wanted to let you know I didn’t get blown up this week and the tornado missed us!” Love your blog, love every word you write. Can’t wait for Burned. 🙂

  • Jo Fergus says:

    This is so true and as they get older they will point your parenting weaknesses out to you, our daughter calls my husband out all the time. “I can’t believe you fell for that” “You are too soft on me” etc etc, that’s after she has what she wanted 🙂

  • Kayla the Bibliophile says:

    As if I didn’t already love you enough! Hahaha this is so fucking true!

  • Julie says:

    I just read this and laughed so hard! Now I know I’m normal!its all so true!!

  • Tanya K says:


  • Tawnya Bentley says:

    Love this!!! I just had one graduate high school, and one that will be a junior next year. I’d say I’m almost done, but college can’t be that easy, since the graduate needed help registering.

  • Suzanne Edwards says:

    You are so much fun 🙂

  • Jennifer Mirabelli says:


  • Ianka says:

    Soooooooooo damn true!! I stopped really caring about signing and notes and stuff about February! She’s only I’m pre school! And I’m counting down to 6/20 when they are in New York with the grandparents (she get out of school on 6/19).

  • Mary Bilowus says:

    Well I’m a teacher and can’t wait for the summer break! You make me laugh though. Love it!

  • Lee says:

    thanks for the trip down memory lane. I could have used a couple of those tips when my kids were at school. thanks for the laugh

  • Marnie says:

    You make me pee my pants! Thanks for the belly laughs tonight! This is SOOOOOO true!

  • Carrie says:

    I think most of us moms can totally relate to this post…shit, we all probably could have written it! Thanks for the Sunday laugh!

    P.S. My project this year happened to be a replica of Mission San Gabriel. It was bad-ass!

  • Kim Mathew (Kimmy.M.Luvsbooks) says:

    Geez you just summed up my life this past school year. So glad I’m not the only asshole that sends my kids to school looking dressed like they stepped out of the reality show Catfish (note: jeans go with EVERYTHING). I stopped asking if their clothes were even clean. Just douse them in Febreeze and send them on their way.

    P.S. I got an A on my 3rd grade Rain Forrest project because I too am fucking awesome…lol!

  • Yoli says:

    Lmao, God you have described my life, every morning I’m dealing with the whining I wish my husband was home in the mornings to see the shit I go through, that bastard works nights and doesn’t get home until the afternoon lol

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