Things I Learned at Wicked Book Weekend


After certain book signing events, I like to compile a list of things I learned over the weekend. Usually these things happen after copious amounts of alcohol and there are always things you might see show up in one of my books. So, without further ado, I shall impart my wisdom on all of you.

1. Jenn Cooksey and I are old and quite possibly deaf. What was ACTUALLY said by my BFF, Liz: “Do you have a drink ticket?”

1796461_365835600221012_291851580_nWhat we heard:

Us: “Drain ticket? What the fuck is a drain ticket? Like ‘draino’ ticket?”
Us: “Drain ticket? I don’t understand the words coming out of your mouth.”
Us: “Train ticket? I saw them in concert, they were pretty good.”
“Drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey heeey-hey-hey.”
Us: “Dream ticket? Poof! Have a good dream with this ticket!”
Liz: “You fucking idiots, DRINK TICKET!  D-R-I-N-K. DRINK DRINK DRINK!”
Us: “Drain, train, dream!”

2. I can go from completely sober and just wanting to go to sleep, to screaming, dancing and being hyper in 2.3 seconds flat.

3. I can also go from drunk yelling and dancing to fast asleep in 1.4 seconds.

4. Random drunk girl spilling out of a taxi in front of the hotel is always hilarious. Especially when she starts petting your best friend’s hair and then screams “CHEESECAKE!” in between mumbling incoherently.

5. When Jasinda Wilder tells you to eat a pickle, you eat that pickle and it will change your life.








6. When a father comes to my table, talking on his phone to his daughter and says “Are you sure this is the right author? She seems kind of crazy”, I will do whatever he asks because that is just plain awesome.

7. When that same father asks to buy Chocolate Lovers for his FIFTEEN year old daughter because I’m one of her favorite authors and she loves that book, I leave the word ‘vagina’ out of my dedication and pray he doesn’t flip through the book.

8. Recreating The Titanic scene on the bow of a booze cruise boat is as awesome as it sounds.

9. I lost a toenail in Florida last year and almost lost my entire foot this year. Florida obviously has it out for my left foot.

10. Spilling an entire beer down the front of me during the signing did not deter people from wanting a picture with me. Beer crotch for the win.

11. Ana’s husband is so cool we now refer to him as The Gatekeeper and The Key Master. I don’t think it has anything to do with gates or keys though.

12. My Little Pony walkie talkies only work if the dick nipple on the other end remembers to turn hers on (DAWN ROBERTSON). Screaming into said walkie talkie “YOU’VE BEEN VOTED OFF OF WHORE ISLAND” will fall on deaf ears, but will still be fun.

photo (57)





13. Vibrator races are always more fun when you can scream about them through a bullhorn.

14. Squirrels in Florida are like tiny field mice. They make the squirrels in the north look like giant, mutant sewer rats.

15. When my BFF shows up in Florida in her frozen tundra-wear of a hoodie, Uggs and a coat that looks like a down comforter, she’ll never hear the end of it. Even if she just left the land of Idina Menzel singing the Frozen soundtrack every time she opened her front door.

16. Don’t order the lobster mac n cheese from the hotel unless you want your friends to think you’ve been carpet munching on dead zombies.

17. Photo bombing pictures is always a good idea.

image (10) image (9)Image


  • Dawn Robertson says:

    Maybe they weren’t worth the $10 I paid for them because I had it on for hours and yelled at you through it for a good 45 minutes. PIECES OF CRAP!!!!

  • Bethany says:

    You are seriously the funniest person ever!!! Luckily I had the chance to meet you once….and I see ALL this happening! Hahaha! 6 and 7 made me laugh out loud and I’m sure glad you still have your foot!! Ha!!

  • Maureen Mahone says:

    I need to know where you got MLP walkie talkies. It is a moral imperative.

  • April says:

    Tara! I just love your books. Never fails to make my day. They funny and witty and I just love all of it. Especially the Chocolate Lovers series.

  • Cheryl Nasca says:

    I witnessed most of that! I don’t know about your foot injury, but I hope it heals quicker than the toe injury! We all had a great time and it’s always an adventure with my Wicked friends! Xoxo

  • Chris says:

    totally hilarious !!!!!!

  • Scheva says:

    Pedro, the dad, got the Father of the Year Award…If he only knew….
    I miss you so much, I had a complete conversation with my cat this morning. She’s quite chatty actually, so I got my fix, but it’s not the same. She’s got more of a scratchy morning-after meow. I may die her hair blue and see how that goes….

  • Karen (BSparkle) says:

    Don’t forgot almost getting run over by a fucking golf cart after almost losing your foot! It was a blast meeting you, can’t wait for the next time I get to go to one of these events!

  • Ricki says:

    Another amazing weekend with you. I just realized I’ve been right there for both your toe and foot injuries, yet I’m not the cause of either one!!! Miss your face so much right now! PS. Hi Scheva! I miss yours too!!!!

  • Tara says:

    I had and awesome time meeting you even if you pronounce your name differently.. you did sign my boob with purple sharpie that apparently I’m allergic to but all in all it was awesome!!
    And we lost the vibrator race by a tip!! DAMN it, a TIP!!

  • Anas Attic Book Blog says:

    I just may have peed myself a little. I hope you took the prickly dick home as a souvenir. I love your face, even though you’re a whore (or maybe because you’re a whore).

  • C.C. Wood says:

    You forgot about rain inside restaurants, tit flashing Girls Gone Wild-style, and the fact that 2 women can now reproduce without using sperm!

    I miss your face, whore.

  • Debbie says:

    Hahaha! You women are crazy! I love it. There is nothing better than a bunch of friends riding the crazy train together!

  • Megan W says:

    I just died a little. I love your face…HARD! It was seriously awesome to meet you (and Liz too, because, well… Liz). Meow.

    PS… everyone who is not Tara… totally fangirling all over the place because one of my pics ended up on her blog! Squeeeee! I can die happy now.

  • Angela Chavis Cushman says:

    Gosh I love you! You always captivate me in books and here. Thanks for just being damn amazing!

  • Desiree says:

    The frozen tundra and Liz are just like Narnia! No one can eat while rocking in the Fred Flinstone car (especially after a few drinks). And…I love you all like the best little whores in the whorehouse that you are! Miss your face!

  • Nancy VanSpunky says:

    THIS! This is awesome! #7…
    Wicked Book Weekend was def off the hook!

  • Bobbie Ann Bohn says:

    OMG Tara you were drinking Tequila again weren’t you LOL You know Tequila doesn’t like you LOL

  • Kerry Dill Genova says:

    I didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with you. Sad face. I’m going to kidnap you ad bring you back to FL. PS, I have a ridiculous amount of squirrels in my yard. They’ve heard about your affection for FL squirrels. They’re totally onboard with the kidnapping.

  • Karen Branch says:

    This was hilarious. I have to say I was having a down of a day and this made me laugh out loud so much my sister and niece thought I had lost it or maybe they already knew that but they still wondered what was so funny. Of course being my niece is only 13 I couldn’t tell her lol.

  • Jennifer says:

    You also forgot, one of the bloggers/readers/reviewers/members of the Tramps will pick up a husband, thrown him over her shoulder and carry him up to the DJ area to win a prize after consuming a little too much alcohol.

  • Joanne Christenson says:

    I also witnessed all of this except the toe injury. I miss yours & Buffy’s face alot…..we can make whore island right here in Florida and we can all live there. ..let’s make it happen

  • lisagk says:

    So glad I found this site. Thanks for making my day.

  • Lou says:

    You are hilarious ! I invite you to stay in my house in Florida. in Miami. in my pool house ( actually its my parent’s pool house and my two dogs may be living there as well). I promise to protect your left foot and possibly your right foot as long as you entertain my friends, daughters , sisters and mom. I also promise to ply you with alcohol and cheap Cuban food. You will be allowed to curse to your hearts content and I will even throw in teaching you how to cuss in Spanish and profane colloquialisms (???) . If you are nice, you can bring friends……

  • Jean Tallman says:

    So sorry I missed it. I am in Miami and could have come up.

Leave a Comment

(will not be published)