Okay, not really, but kind of. Did you ever see those old videos of people meeting Michael Jackson? They wail and cry and scream and freak out like they’re meeting Jesus:
I sort of felt like this as I stood in line, waiting to go inside the building where I was going to TALK TO JARED LETO. I felt like I was going to puke. I told my husband this several times. He just looked at me like “Are you serious?”
Shut the fuck up. I’m totally serious.
So, they walk us into this holding area and we wait. My hands are shaking, I’m sweating and I know for a fact the deodorant I put on before I left that says 24 hour protection is a lying sack of shit. The butterflies in my stomach are HORRIBLE.
The assistant for the band then comes in and starts talking to us about the “rules” for when the guys come in. Like, they won’t sign body parts so don’t even ask them. Everyone in the room was all “Awwwwwwww!” but I was okay with this. I couldn’t even remember my name so there was no way I’d be able to ask him to sign my vagina. Then she asks if anyone has any gifts for the guys. They collect the gifts ahead of time now. I guess there was an incident where someone walked up to their table at a meet and greet and gave them an ear. A real ear. Someone’s real, bloody, cut off ear. Obviously collecting the gifts beforehand is a wise decision. No one wants to get a bloody ear thrown down on the table in front of them. Although there are plenty of fun things you could do with it like hold it up to your own ear and say “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”
This posed a problem for me though because I wasn’t planning on giving him an ear, just my book, named after one of their songs. I really wanted to hand him the book and tell him it was for him. But I couldn’t. So I sadly handed it off to the assistant.
So, the moment finally comes and he walks into the room. HE WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
I need a moment of silence…
Okay, so he’s standing there in front of all 20 of us just talking to us like we’re old friends. Telling us stories and laughing and asking us questions. He asked something, I can’t remember what and I raised my hand and answered him. Alone. I TALKED STRAIGHT TO HIM. Seriously, I have no idea what the question was or what I even said. I just kept muttering to myself “I just talked to him; he looked at me. I just talked to him; he looked at me.”
Obviously it’s not the best quality. I was trying to be a ninja with my camera and did you miss the part where I said my hands were fucking SHAKING??? Hubs yelled at me and told me to put the camera away, looking around the room in fear that someone was going to grab us and put us in concert jail or something.
So, Jared (I can call him Jared now since we’re totally friends) sits down at the table with his guitarist Tomo and they get out their Sharpies. We file up to the table. Now, another “rule” we were told was that they would only sign the posters we were given ahead of time or CD covers, but if you ask nicely, they’ll probably sign other things. THANK FUCKING GOD because I not only brought a copy of A Beautiful Lie to give to Jared, I brought 2 more copies for him to sign. One for me and one for my cover artist.
I’m not kidding you, while I was standing in line, I looked like a 4 year old who has to pee. I was bouncing up and down and shifting back and forth from one leg to another. Finally, the moment arrives and I’m standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. I had a huge speech prepared. I was going to hand him the books and tell him how much he’s inspired me. I was going to tell him that I only wrote this book because of his music and that his words speak to my soul. I was going to tell him that I’m a best selling author and that I hope I’ve been able to introduce a bunch of new people to his music by writing this book.
Instead, I dropped the 2 books down in front of him and said “I wrote these. Could you sign them?”
That’s it. That is all my brain could handle. Luckily, hubs was right next to me and piped up “She left a copy of the book for you with your assistant.”
Jared (we’re still friends even though I turned retarded in front of him) smiles and tells me “Wow, this is so awesome. Thank you so much. Keep writing. Keep kicking ass.”
You’re probably assuming at this moment I would finally wake up and at least thank him or show him my tattoo. I tattooed his words on my ribs for Christ’s sake.
No, I didn’t wake up. I smiled like a fool, grabbed my books and scurried away. Hands still shaking and now I feel like I’m going to puke. I said NOTHING. But, I pulled out my camera again and made hubs snap a few pictures before I vomited all over the books he just signed.
You can kind of tell by the squirrelly look in my eyes that I’m a little freaked out still. And really, do they HAVE to sign in symbols? No one is ever going to believe this is really his signature (on the left) and Tomo’s (on the right).
Whatever. I was there. I know it’s real. HE TOUCHED MY FUCKING BOOK.
I sent a text to my cover artist.
Me: My hands are fucking shaking. He signed 2. I got one for u!
Me: True story!!
Me: Still shaking.
Her: Did he touch you? Never shower again.
After they signed everything, we got back in line for pictures. Once again, I’m next up in line and I’m hopping back and forth from foot to foot. I actually did have to pee at that point though, so it’s okay.
I get up to the guys and squeeze between them and just wrap my arm around JARED LETO’S WAIST. Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW??? He put his arm around my shoulders and I’m pretty sure Tomo’s hand is on my ass and then he told me to smile. I said NOTHING. Again, nothing. No words. I had my arm around his waist. DID YOU HEAR ME????
I swear I wasn’t this far away from him when I first got up there. I’m pretty sure my cheek was resting against his shoulder and his silky smooth hair. But then I started worrying that he might think I was going to bite his ear off or something and I mean, getting someone else’s ear is one thing, but having your own ear bitten off and handed to you is a whole other kind of awkward, so I moved away for the picture. I really wanted to hug him before I walked away but there was never anything said in the “rules” about hugging. What if I went for it and he stuck out his hand for a handshake instead and then it turns all weird because I’m leaning in and he inadvertently punches me in the stomach?
Once again, I just walked away without saying a word. I walked away as fast as I could with my head down and I may have actually skipped. And while I was obliviously walking away, my husband was getting his picture taken and doing a much better job than I did. I’m so hyper at this point that I’m speed walking to the back of the room and he has to run to catch up to me.
Hubs: Did you see the awesome picture I just took?
Me: What? What picture? What day is it?
Hubs: Seriously? You didn’t see it? It was epic. I stuck my thumbs up.
Me: Did you say anything stupid?
Hubs: No. It was awesome. I can’t believe you missed it.
Me: I just touched Jared Leto.
Hubs: I just gave him a thumbs up.
Me: I don’t like you right now.
<—-Much better than mine. Asshole.
I’m kind of still freaking out typing up this post. I really can’t believe this happened. Tomorrow, I’ll give you guys a recap of the concert itself. Which we watched from the stage. Like, ON THE FUCKING STAGE. I have videos. And pictures. You’re going to die.