Nov25

Creepy Elf on a Shelf

5 Comments

I’ve come to the realization that as much as I bitch and moan about working on a deadline, it kind of works for me.  I’m too easily distracted to start a project  far in advance and take my time writing it. I’m much better at staying up until 6am every single day for a week and finishing my manuscript at the very last second after downing enough 5 hour energy shots to power up a nuclear plant.

Take right now for instance. I have to turn Worn Me Down (Playing With Fire #3) in to my editor by January 3rd. January 3rd! That’s like, six months away or some shit. Ok, not really but it feels like that. PLENTY of time! I have almost 8,000 words written and there’s a Top Chef marathon on right now. Top Chef, people! I haven’t cooked a hot meal in over a year but I need to know how to make roast duck with raspberry glaze and foie gras even though I would never eat that shit with someone ELSE’S mouth.

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And whose bright idea was it to write a book during the holiday season? Oh, that’s right. Me. There are trees to trim, presents to wrap and children to torture with the Elf on a Shelf who watches them while they sleep. Seriously, who came up with this concept??  An elf, who is WATCHING YOU. Always watching you. If they had this thing when I was little, I’d be freaking out wondering if he was watching me go to the bathroom or pick my nose. Just how much IS he watching me??  Just when I curse at my parents under my breath or when I’m changing? He should be called the Pedophile on the Shelf. But still, I’m glad someone came up with this idea. It’s the only thing that stops my kids from shoving each other down a flight of stairs and whining every time you look at them.

See? Easily distracted. Now I’m making a list of new ideas for the elf this year. Last year, he did all sorts of cute things like have a tea party with Barbie and a wrestling match with all the WWE figures. The kids are a year older now. They’ve had an entire year of turning into bigger assholes than they already were. It’s time for the Elf on the Shelf to turn it up a notch. I’m thinking instead of a tea party with Barbie, this year, it’s going to be a Barbie massacre. Headless Barbies, armless Barbies, Barbies missing their eyes…with a note from the elf – all letters cut out of magazines and glued to a piece of paper: “This is what will happen if you don’t stop whining. I’m watching…always watching.”

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Dexter-themed Elf on a Shelf? Genius!

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Dick in a Box-themed Elf on a Shelf? BRILLIANT! Although I might do this one just for hubs.

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Tricking them into thinking the elf put the cat in the microwave? AMAZING!

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Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch PETA, I wouldn’t really put the cat in the microwave. The washing machine, maybe.

KIDDING!

If my kids don’t need therapy by the time they’re adults, I haven’t done my job properly.

Tis the season, and all that crap. Now, Google “Creepy Elf on a shelf” and be easily distracted with me.

 

5 Comments

  • Joanne Christenson says:

    Lmao. This entire post made me laugh. I need to order that elf to creep out my granddaughter who is a mini asshole at times….I need to ensure that she needs therapy because of me when she’s older. 😉

  • Kat says:

    I love this!! Our elf comes on Friday and I’m trying really hard to be good and not make him pretend to ship out Hershey kisses again……my kids still wont eat them!

  • Jamie says:

    Oh, good Lord, that thing is freaky. Which is why we do not have one in our house. Knowing my ‘brilliant’ children, I’d wake up with it staring me in the face, or something equally nightmare inducing. They’re 5, 5, and 8, and already frighteningly good at the ‘twisted thinking’. lol

  • vicky says:

    You are living my life LOL! It’s great to know there are others on the crazy train!

  • fran rosa says:

    This is so funny I can count on Tara to make me puss myself laughing 😉 that elf freaks the shit out of me

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