Jul23

Angry Beaver

63 Comments

*WARNING: If you are sensitive to the use of swear words, or you just don’t like them – leave this blog post immediately. I plan on using every swear word in the English language in this post, as well as a few that are quite possibly made up.  Proceed with caution.

 

Let’s start today’s lesson off with a definition, shall we?

Brazilian Wax – Noun. From the Latin word “hurtslikeamotherfucker”.  A Brazilian wax means most or all of your pubic hair is removed, including the hair around the very sensitive skin of the inner labia and anus.

During a Brazilian wax, a licensed cosmetologist or esthetician applies a thin layer of warm wax with a stick in the direction of the hair growth, applies a strip of paper or cloth, then pulls the hair out by its roots. And in the genital area, especially inside the labia, the skin is extremely sensitive.

 

Okay, so the “warm wax” is probably the only part of this definition that sounds moderately enjoyable, but I’m a glutton for punishment so why the hell not? I mean, I have 11 tattoos, my nose pierced and I had 2 c-sections. If I can survive that, a Brazilian Wax should be a piece of cake, right?

vdtakU0Suuuuuuuuuuure.

 

 

 

 

 

It might come as a surprise to you that I’ve never been waxed. I wrote a waxing scene in one of the Chocolate Lovers books, but I researched that with an interview with my stylist. I’m thinking if I would have researched it with an actual waxing, that scene would have had a whole different outcome. Mostly, an entire chapter of just swearing.

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Let me just preface this by saying that I did not intend on getting a full Brazilian. My stylist convinced me to get a bikini wax since we’re going on vacation this weekend and I grudgingly said “Fine. Whatever. But you’re giving me a 30 minute reward-facial afterwards.”

So, I walk into the salon and as soon as she comes out to get me, I tell her I hate her. You know, just so we’re both clear on how much I’m NOT looking forward to this in case there’s any confusion.

I get undressed, wrap the towel around me and she tells me to sit at the end of the table with my legs hanging down. Well, at least I don’t have to put my feet in stirrups like at the gyno, so that’s one less mortifying part of the process.

She tells me there is a facial going on in the next room and that I have to be quiet. I just give her this look.
bridesmaids-are-you-fucking-kidding-me

 

 

 

 

 

 

She hands me a towel and says “Here, shove this in your mouth to muffle your screams.” I hate her less at this point because at least she knows me and she is well aware of the fact that I cannot and will not be quiet, especially during what shall be forever known as “The Day My Vagina Died”.

Me: “Okay, this is NOT what I signed up for!  I mean, it’s a bikini wax. One strip on the left, one strip on the right. Done. I’m pretty sure I can handle a little-JESUSMOTHERFUCKINGSUCKBALLSYOUASSHOLE!”

Yep. That would be right around the time she lathered the entire upper area with wax and RIPPED IT OFF without any warning. She then proceeds to tell me that I can totally handle a full Brazilian. She reminds me that I had 2 c-sections. I remind her that those came with Morphine and I don’t see a fucking I.V. anywhere in this room.  I will say that she did tell me I should stop at the bar and have a couple of shots before my appointment, but I thought she was kidding.

Clearly not.

Not wanting to interrupt the relaxing facial going on in the next room, I quickly shove the towel in my mouth as she puts more wax on me. The 2nd rip wasn’t as bad as the first. I knew it was coming so I was prepared. That doesn’t mean I didn’t scream like a mother fucker into the towel though. A few of my favorites:

“FUCKING MOTHER FUCK FUCKER!”
“SHITFUCKBALLFUCKYOURASS!”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
“I’M GOING TO FUCKING DONKEY KICK YOU IN THE GOD DAMN NECK!”

Luckily, because of the towel in my mouth, the woman next door in facial land most likely only heard “MFFFFFMEEERRRFFFFMMMMMRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFEEEEMEEERRRFFFFFFF!”

And of course she’s telling me to “Just relax. It will hurt worse if you’re tense.” Yes, relaxing is soooooooo easy. I can barely relax when I get my eyebrows waxed. Let’s review: This is not the hair above my eyes. THIS IS THE HAIR ON MY VAGINA. My lady garden. My fun hatch. Republic of Labia. The Holy Grail.

Sure, I’ll get right on that whole relaxing thing.

And really, it’s not like you can fully relax. She can’t sneak up on you like a shot at the dr’s office. You feel the wax going on, you feel her smoothing the cloth strips down and you KNOW what’s coming next: YOU’RE VAGINA HAIR BEING RIPPED OUT BY THE ROOTS.  By. The. Roots. She was even nice enough to show me the strips afterward with a big smile on her face saying “Look at those roots!”

eGY16

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After about the 5th time I screamed into the towel “FUCK YOUR FACE AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER’S FACE”, she reminded me that probably wasn’t the best choice of words to use when she was wrist-deep in my vagina with her face right in my nether region.  Whatever. She’s one of my good friends after doing my hair for 4 years. We have just crossed over that imaginary line in the sand where good friends do not stick there hands all over your vagina when you’re both sober. There is no going back.  If I want to scream “FUCK YOUR FACE”, I will scream “FUCK YOUR FACE”.  There is really nothing that could make this moment any more awkward, believe me.

Sam_puckett_-_awkward

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She also kept telling me “Your skin is really taking to this nicely. See? You should have done this a long time ago.” Obviously my skin is a mother fucking liar and should be killed. Why is my skin forsaking me?????

I’m going to tell you this. Never, EVER ask someone if getting a Brazilian hurts. It’s just like asking someone if getting a tattoo hurts. “No, having needles jammed into your skin for hours at a time is lovely. It feels just like being tickled by a feather.”

“No, getting a Brazilian doesn’t hurt. My clit was most likely ripped out right along with my pubic hair and it’s now stuck to a piece of cloth in the salon, waving good-bye to me fondly. Totally doesn’t hurt.”

giphy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At the end of the 20 minute torture session, I really would have liked a giant bath of ice water to soak my bits in. They burned, they stung…my vagina was ANGRY.  I really pissed off my vagina. I felt like I should buy it a puppy or a pony, something to buy its love back so it would forgive me.

angry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will say, I am quite happy with the results. I’m still not sure if I’ll do it again in 6-8 weeks. Maybe it’s like childbirth. “You forget all about the pain.” That’s why people are stupid enough to have more than one kid. I’m assuming this works the same with waxing.

When I told my friend Beth Ehemann about my day, she sent me this photo and said “I imagine this is what your vagina feels like right now.”

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Yep, that’s about right.

63 Comments

  • Rhonda says:

    Omg! I’m laughing hysterically and my 12 year old wants to know what I’m laughing at…. Umm…. Just reading about a lady getting her grass cut… He gives me “the patented I’m almost a teenager” look and says- ” you’re weird”

  • Jacqueline Narvaez says:

    LMAO!

  • Bethany says:

    I laughed SO hard at this!!!!!! I know exactly how you!!! The next one hurts less, but it still hurts. I’m doing laser hair removal now. Yay!

  • Michelle says:

    OMG!! That was the funniest thing I have read in a very, very long time. I will have to read this to my husband when he asks me why I don’t wax like everyone else and still am old school and shave the area daily. I have 2 tats and had to be drunk as hell to do that, no way can I get waxed. I cry doing my eyebrows, so the lady bits will continue to be tended to old school.

  • Sabrina says:

    So funny!! Thanks for the laugh. I have never waxed and ill stay in the club that most likely never will

  • E Anderson says:

    Guess I no longer have to wonder what it’s really like. Thanks for sharing! ROFLMFAO!!!

  • Kait Lariviere says:

    That was amazing. My vagina hurt a little just reading it.

  • Lisa says:

    OMG this is some funny shit I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself !!! Lol jk

  • Janice Richard says:

    You are hilarious— after reading that I’m thinking at the age of 56 I’m not going to do it, and I was thinking about it – its my 35th wedding anniversary this weekend – and it is what it is – no angry vagina/beaver for me!

  • Amanda says:

    I feel your pain! I’ve been waxing for 6 years and it still hurts like a motherfucker. The idea that it hurts less the more you do it is a lie!!!! You just get vaj Stockholm syndrome eventually. I also managed a spa for years and they convinced me to be the victim (actually they used the term model…the liars) for training the estheticians on Brazilians……nothing like a dozen women staring at your cooch while they take turns torturing you.

  • Erin Ganzzermiller says:

    Your description is hysterical! I just had my first a few weeks ago. It was pretty bad but I took ibuprofen before, so that helped. The tattoo on my ass cheek was easier though. What sucked was my underwear and toilet paper sticking to my skin for 24 hours. Annoying. But I’m going back in two weeks. Hoping it’s bless painful the second time around.

  • Teresa says:

    This was one of the funniest things I have read all week. I actually think it ma be the winner for July. I think I would like to see the version the lady next door would give. When I delivered my 3rd kid the young girl across the hall decided her “birth plan” was natural birth = no fuck in drugs. Alcohol got me 3 kids…drugs helped me get them here. The nurses and I just said “that is cute”. About 4 hours later I heard the words “fuck the plan. I want the drugs”. I think the lady next door to you was probably waiting for the first strip. I would have yelled over to you ” hang in there, girl. Cocktails are only minutes away”

  • Jo says:

    The people sitting near me at Panera are wondering why I have tears running down my face. So freaking hilarious! Thank you for proving my decision NOT to get waxed is the right one. Even after 2 kids I don’t want to make the JayJay angry.

  • jacqulyn says:

    Oh god. I just laughed so hard. I got my younger sister a brazilian wax as a ‘wedding gift’ for her and her soon to be husband. Convinced her it would be fantastic and perfect to have done right before her week vacation in Hawaii. I got everything all set up, met her for dinner, dropped her at the salon. Afterward I said, so how was it, tell me all about it, what do they do… yadda yadda with the 3 million questions. She was like…. WAIT a GOD DAMNED minute here… YOU’VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE? That was the night I was almost killed. She survived, as did I, but I had to promise to go the next day or be murdered. Holy fucking bag of awkward. I wanted to just say fuck it, and just stop halfway through. I made it out alive and felt like a plucked fucking chicken. 2nd time was better. 3rd time even more so. The things we do.

  • angie says:

    You are the best. I am laughing like I have read one of your stories. My hubby is looking like I am crazy. Hope your lady bits feel better soon. Let us know how the hubby liked it. Lol

  • Aracely Moreno says:

    You may do this again. I do not do well with pain, it hurts when someone colors my hair.
    I had been going to get my eyebrows done (threaded) for about 4 years before I agreed to get waxed. because I was shy and I knew I was awful with pain she dedcided just to start wit hthe sides for awhile, then the day came I promised I would “go all the way”. Sounds like when you are dating your fisrt boyfreind and he is waiting patiently to have sex with you.

    It was painful, but I have kept going to her and choose to do this to myself every three two months sometimes three. It keeps things intresting in the bedroom. When I get my brazilian wax I am rewarded with my husband staying down under for a very long time. High five for me. But over the years I have sent other to “MY GIRL” and they tell me she has a way with the waxing and she is fast and it hardly hurts. I guess I am just a big baby. Love you Brenda, my Chinese lady from India!!!!

  • Christy O says:

    It never fails… every time I get a wax “down there,” I shake my fist to the sky and scream, “EVOLVE!!! WHY CAN’T I JUST EVOLVE ALREADY!?!” It never gets easier either. NEVER.

  • Jessi C says:

    You know that numbing cream you have in your bedroom… or maybe not… but I am wondering if that would make your vagina happier. Or at least it might hide it’s gangly teeth a little.

  • felicia lovejoy says:

    Omgosh……hilarious! ! But I feel you Tara when she does my eyebrows…..I swear she paying me back for every time I grounded her as a teenager! !! Love the story!!!

  • Luli says:

    I tried waxing a bunch of times when I was younger . It was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced . At 39, I trusted my Colombian wax goddess ( best lip and eyebrow wax in the universe) to try it. I let her know how if it hurt too much I would likely kick her in the face. The secret is little areas and no paper but the wax that you lift off. I live in Miami and Colombian women rule all things beauty and sex so when they speak you listen. I have been a bald beaver for 18 months . It has changed my life …once you go bald, you never go back

  • Miranda says:

    Best post ever. Poor vagina hope she forgives you soon.

  • Deborah Favorito says:

    I’m 64, I had never heard about any of this until I got on Facebook. As I was reading your post, I was cringing and laughing at the same time. I’ve had 3c-sections, they were a piece of cake compared to waxing. Thank you for making me laugh. My older sister had just told me that everything I was doing beauty wise was wrong. I don’t moisturizer, I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup. My Dermatologist told me my skin was beautiful. I have not plucked my eyebrows since 2005. I know that date because that is when I lost all my hair due to chemo. Thank you for lifting up my spirits, I’m so sorry that you went through the pain, but thank you for making me laugh.

  • Debbie says:

    This was done in true Tara Sivec fashion – I am rolling and making a note to never get a wax “down there”.

  • Brittany Berger says:

    Dammit Tara, I had like just decided that I was going to get waxed for my anniversary. But my zorch hurts just reading this! Nair it is…I’d rather it smell like chemicals for a day than feel like what you described.

  • Wendy says:

    Seriously Hilarious!!!

  • Joanne Christenson says:

    Omg….funniest shit I have ever read….ever. that last picture tells it all. Sorry about your pain filled Vag. I hear Vodka will make it better

  • C.C. Wood says:

    Should I send your vagina some flowers to make it feel better? A Get Well Soon card maybe?

    Seriously, I laughed so hard reading this my hubby asked if I had finally lost my mind.

  • Tina says:

    Tara!!! I have an appointment next week to get my first ever Brazilian, and now, thanks to this, I’m thinking one of two things is going to happen:
    1. I cancel the fucking appointment or
    2. I’ll have to direct people to this post after I’ve actually gone through with it.
    Goddammit.

  • Angie Ellis says:

    Your POOR vagina. I’m crying for it. Like WHY would you put it through that pain. ?

  • India says:

    OMG I feel your pain been there it sucks donkey nuts,
    But i am litterally laughing my ass off not at your pain but at your beautiful display of words

  • Billychuck says:

    Oh Tara
    sorry to hear about your experience

    Watcht out for Hep-C!
    Let’s shake on it.

  • Jennifer Sullivan says:

    3 beautiful words.

    Tattoo. Numbing. Cream.

    I had my first brazilian 2 months ago and I didn’t feel a thing.

  • Selenia says:

    omg…..I am in tears right now!!!!! Here me and my best friend were thinking of doing it as a part of our 40th bucket list but ummmm yeah i have one tattoo, and 3 c sections and from what you are describing i would take another c section over this I think, LOL omg thank you for this though sorry for your pain but made my evening.

  • Michelle says:

    Lol!!! I definitely needed a good laugh!!! I have to say from personal experience that yes, it hurt like a bitch the first time and I thought I was never gonna be able to do it again. Well, I have to say I go once a month and I would never go back to shave cause its a lot more comfortable and after that first time it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I’ve been doing it for like a year and a half already and I’ll recommended to all the women’s out there. 😉

  • Jennifer says:

    BAHAHAHA! I LOVED THIS SO HARD!

  • Petra S says:

    Hilarious piece! You had me in stitches! That photo your friend Beth sent… Killed me! Why do we choose to endure such torture all in the name of beauty? It’s not fair really. Next post I want to see is “ANGRY SNAKE” 😉

  • Nadia Hassan says:

    OMG, I have never had one but you totally made my day with this post. I HEART YOU TARA! yes it needed to be said in capital. You’re too funny 😀 and I’m sorry about your angry vagina, treat it with some ice cream 😉

    P.S. From now on, I will totally use the phrase “I’M GOING TO FUCKING DONKEY KICK YOU IN THE GOD DAMN NECK!” <- sounds so badass and cool 😀

  • Stacy says:

    It wasn’t that bad I did it for the first time about a month ago. Don’t get me wrong it hurt but not as much as I thought it would before I had it done I asked a friend if it would be wrong to coat my vagina in orajel because it numbs the lips on my face so it should numb my nether region lips as well. Instead I found so no scream cream for Brazilian waxes I am thinking the orajel would have worked much better.

  • Leeanne says:

    I am in my office laughing like crazy trying not tohave anyone hear me but you are so freaking funny…I “did” want to this but I think I’m gonna pass now……hahaha. Having a tuff time writing this cause I am crying so hard from laughing…..

  • Staci Pope says:

    OMG! I am laughing so hard tears are rolling down my face. I will not be getting one of these EVER!

  • Janell says:

    I’m right there with you, it hurt like a mother. Yet I’m stupid enough to keep going back again and again. Stupid husband loves it, I should make him sit there one time and see if he keeps asking me to go back. Oh well, the price we pay to being a woman, boy it sucks 🙂

  • AndreaJ says:

    OMG I am fucking dying right now!! This is exactly why:
    1. I love you
    2. My girl crush is beyond my control
    3. I have not and will not wax the beav
    4. Hope my husband likes the 70’s style I’ve got going on

    <3s

  • Alana Rock says:

    I’m crying… TOO. FUNNY. CAN’T. BREATHE.

    I’ve never met you in person, but I fucking love your ass. That is all.

  • Victoria Stolte says:

    OMG!! Lol that was hilarious i hope your Va-Jay Jay feels better soon…

  • Jean Tallman says:

    I get waxed regularly. I can’t imagine getting a piercing. Although I would love to get one. You are my hero, angry beaver and all.

  • Lysa Lessieur says:

    OMG, when did you become such a pussy? Little bit of nice warm wax and then a quick yank and it’s done. Aside from your labia flapping in another woman’s face, you holding your ass cheeks apart for an eternity when anyone could ram whatever they want in there and the humiliation of your clit literally screaming obscenities at you as its carted away in a pile of sticky clothes full of vag hair while you are completely incapable if forming happy thoughts, it’s a walk on the beach. Quit bitching, you can star in a porn flick now. I swear someone has turned you into the world’s weakest cock socket. Woman up!! Oh, did I mention I’ve never actually had more than my brows waxed?? Love you!

  • Silvia says:

    I really had to make an effort for the whole office not to hear me laughing…. you are just sooo funny and you always make my day!!!!

    Why is it that we women have to go through such pain to get some fun and yum later????? Well I guess the reward of a happy hubby and an extra sensitive bit pays it all XD!! Hope your next days are full of it 😉

  • Brenda Wheeler says:

    ROTFLMFAO! I’m sorry for your hurt vagina! I’m scared to get one…I’m afraid parts of my Vajayjay will be ripped off too! Ouch!

  • DiDi says:

    My co workers think I’ve lost my mind because I am sitting her laughing with tears rolling down my face and they have no clue why 😉

  • Debbie K says:

    OMG! That was too funny and very descriptive. I think I had sympathy pains.

  • Christina says:

    OMG!! I am laughing so hard at this that my co-workers are now gathered around my desk because I can not even breath to read it to them!!! LMFAO!!

  • Gail Siuba says:

    OMG I can not believe that you let her give you the full Brazilian. I am alternating between goosebumps and laughter. I’m so sorry to be laughing at your pain, but you did make the story entertaining. You’re a braver soul then I!

  • Becky Schoelich says:

    I am laughing so hard I have tears rolling down my cheeks!!! I’m 54 and have been thinking about trying this, but now… Maybe not so much. Although I got some great ideas (and laughs) from reading the comments, so it’s not totally off the table. I just love the way you wrote about the whole experience, put it right out there (no pun intended), and didn’t edit yourself in the process. That’s how we all need to live our lives. And, oh yeah – I’m forwarding this to my BFF so she can laugh her ass off when she reads it!!!

  • Heather M. Gardner says:

    Holy awesome post!
    HMG

  • Dhamiera says:

    That was extremely funny! I always wanted to try a Brazilian wax to see what it was like. Guess that’s off my bucket list now. #vivalaBIC!!!!

  • Margaret Taylor says:

    O-M-G! I’m so glad I live alone and my neighbors aren’t close! I howled at this, literally and scared my poor cats! Ms. Tara, you owe me for cat therapy! They are now looking at me like I’m a crazy person and not *just* the person that puts down the food…*nod nod*

    Thanks for this though, it totally made my Monday and *confirmed* without a doubt that I’ll not only *never* do this, but *never* wear a bikini in order to *have* to do this!!!!! Guess it’s a good thing I’m single and my Vajayjay hasn’t seen action in the better part of *coughs* years huh…It’s already angry at me so no need to tempt fate and have it *totally* shut down on me after that kind of torture!!!!!

    <3 you woman for going through this and aiding the rest of us from *not* doing it!!!!

  • deb perry says:

    Omg! What a hoot! Next time go the laser route! Lol

  • Taylor says:

    Hahaha. I can’t have anyone else wax me, it hurts like a mother fucker. Each time I’ve tried I left a full body sweat print on the table. I bought my own wax kit and do it myself now. Sounds like I’m crazy? Trust me it hurts a lot less when you know you’re doing it and mentally prep yourself for each pull-off.

  • Sydney says:

    That was awesome. Not for your vagina, but for me and your very fortunate readers. :oD

  • Jennifer Johnston says:

    Great article! Even my swear like a muthafucker clients come back every 4-6 weeks. The swearing subsides by the 2nd or 3rd follow up wax due to the hair root becoming thin and weakened. No clitorises removed yet!!

  • Debra Anastasia says:

    This made my day. My week. So much amazing.

  • Amie M says:

    THIS WINS THE INTERNET FOR LIFE… I’M SUFFERING FROM TJE FLU, A FEVER, LACK OF SLEEP AND OVER HOT MESS AND I HAVEN’T LAUGHED THIS HARD IN YEARS…. TARA YOU ARE LIFE!!! THANK YOU FOR HELPING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IF ONLY FOR A LITTLE WHILE!!

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