Aug28

4+4 = Potato

161 Comments

In case you guys missed my awesome Facebook post on Tuesday, my kids finally went back to school.  I remember when each of them started Kindergarten.  I held it together until they got on the bus and it pulled away.  And then I broke down, sobbing, heaving, snotting all over the place, wailing about my babies being gone and “OH GOD! WHAT IF SOMEONE PICKS ON THEM AND I’M NOT THEIR TO KICK THAT LITTLE SHIT’S ASS????!!!”

This year, I got a tiny bit sad as we waited for the bus.  However, they now get on the bus with their two cousins so there were four kids running up and down the driveway screaming and acting like fools.  When I asked my son if he was excited to go back to school, his reply was: “School sucks.  This whole thing can suck it.  Why can’t I just play PlayStation forever?”  I asked my daughter the same thing and she said: “It’s too hot. My backpack is too heavy. I’m thirsty. I’m hungry.  Why did you make me wear this outfit?  I’M SO FREAKING HOT. My shoes hurt my feet.  IT’S SO HOT.”

As the bus pulled up, I kissed them both goodbye and shoved them into the road to get on.  As it pulled away, I didn’t cry or worry.  Me, my husband, and my sister-in-law did this:

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As excited as I was for them to finally go back so I could have peace and quiet during the day, I forgot just how annoying school really is.  Lunches to pack, clothes to pick out, arguments about clothes that are picked out, arguments about lunches that are packed, screaming, crying, yelling, fighting…and this is only DAY 2, people.

And let me tell you something, WTF with this homework?  Is fourth grade math really something you’re going to use later in life? Answer:  no.  The only thing they need to know is how to use the calculator app on their smartphones.  You can learn that shit in kindergarten and then never take another math class again.  The only math I need to know is if a pair of shoes is $49.99 and 20% off, how much will I pay for them?  Answer: who the fuck knows.  That’s what the calculator app is for.

My son’s class has a new thing this year called the “Oops Book”.  Basically, if you’re bad, you have to write your name in the “Oops Book”.  If you’re bad again that day, your name gets circled.  If your name gets circled AND underlined, the teacher calls the parents.  Let’s just be honest here and call this thing what it really is:  The Book of Shame.  I already threatened my son’s life and told him he better never get his name in the “Oops Book”.  I told him santa gets a copy of the “Oops Book”.  I also told him God kills a kitten every time his name goes in the “Oops Book”.

I’m totally kidding.

I told him I’d kill a kitten if he gets his name in that book.

Oh stop, I love kittens.

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My daughter told her teacher on the first day that her mom is an author.  And she told her teacher about “Seduction and Snacks” and made sure she knew that it wasn’t a children’s book and that I told her she wasn’t allowed to read it until she’s 30.  I was going to tell her to stop telling her teachers this information but now I kind of want to buy her a pony.  This will probably ensure I don’t get any phone calls asking me to volunteer for classroom activities.

I assumed now that they are back in school, there would be less fighting in the evenings since they aren’t around each other all day and hey, maybe they might miss each other.  WRONG.  Fifteen minutes of being home from school today and there was a Nerf bullet to the eye, someone shoved off a bike, someone arguing about why he couldn’t have a bowl of sugar for dinner, and someone sucking her thumb and rocking back and forth in the corner.

That would be me, by the way.  I’m the one rocking back and forth in the corner.

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In honor of the kids going back to school, I’m going to give away one signed set of the Chocolate Lovers series (Seduction and Snacks, Futures and Frosting, Troubles and Treats) because all you mothers out there need something to laugh at during this time.  And those who aren’t mothers need something to put them out of their misery while all the mothers are filling up their news feeds with this school shit.  So, leave a blog post comment and I’ll let my kids pick a random winner tomorrow night when they get home from school so they can avoid killing each other for at least 30 seconds.

Happy back to school week.

161 Comments

  • Susanne Gigler says:

    Your amazing. Love you.

  • Penny Pollard says:

    Don’t update facebook status while you’re drunk!

  • Brettani Villa says:

    Thanks for the giveaway!!! I love this series! My oldest started Kindergarten this month and I have to say I wasn’t sad… 6 hours of my sons not fighting was welcoming:)

  • Shari Schrembeck says:

    I would love to win these books! I have them on kindle but need a hard copy!!!!!

  • Monica V says:

    I love this! I feel the same way. I am so glad school is back. I have 3 girls and I am glad to see there butts off. I tell everyone I know about your books. BTW, your kids rock for telling there teachers about your books.

  • Tressa Sager says:

    I wanna win these for my friend Terri! She babysits my 4yr old and loves the books!!! 😀

  • Lauren says:

    Love love love these books!!! I’m beyond excited for Gavin’s!!

  • Kellie Kelly says:

    Love your story! I literally LOL’d! 🙂 As for the fighting over outfits for school, that is EXACTLY why my kids go to a Uniformed Public School!! There is no fighting over what they want to wear because the can’t wear it!! Lol 🙂

  • Tammy Collier says:

    I loved all of your books and can’t wait for the new one to come out. I love how you made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breath and tears were running down my face. I was also jumping for joy when school started back.

  • Dylan forte says:

    I don’t have any kids…… But am so Inlove with all your books!

  • Angel L says:

    Your son and daughter are hilarious! Love all your books 🙂

  • Kim Drew says:

    I haven’t had the chance to send my kid away each morning for school. But, I do jump for joy when he goes to sleep. That means a few hours of uninterrupted reading. yay :). Thanks for the giveaway.

  • Stephanie corke says:

    I have those same fights everymorning with my first grader. But she is in year round school so this has been going on for about a month. We no longer argue about packed lunches. She has to eat the cafeteria food now 🙂

  • Dee McGee says:

    I completely agree with everything you said! And my kids always hate everything I put in their lunches, even when they picked out the damn food!

    Anyway, I adore the Chocolate Lover’s series and would love to win a signed copy.

  • Laura Collins says:

    I would LOVE to win a copy of your books,they are awesome!! Hopefully your kids won’t fight over who the winner is 🙂 I hope your daughter’s teacher reads your books 🙂

  • Jessica R says:

    This is funny! My kids go back to school next Wednesday. I am happy and scared… excited and worried. I have one starting 10th grade and one starting kindergarten. Little Miss and I get to mommy/daughter things ALL DAY! I am signed up to take Surfset classes (yes I was maybe drinking when I did that-the class looks hard) AND Little Miss and I are taking a mom/toddler gymnastics class.

    I am excited that I will now get all of nap time (1.5-2) all to myself to READ! WOOT!

    I would LOVE to read this series!!!!!
    Thanks for the great post and the chance to win!
    jrryba(at)gmail(dot)com

  • Ashley says:

    Would love to read these books!!! Hope your kids survived the dreaded first day back!!

  • Tracey Booth says:

    Hey kids, pick me! Your mom is a badass! 😉 love you twat waffle!!!

  • misha76 says:

    Whoever thought it was a good idea to make an Oops book is NOT a good teacher (or school system). I speak as a public school teacher and mom. Shaming kids is not the way to help them become confident happy adults.

  • Crystal says:

    I love you tons!!!! Thanks for the virtual smiles!

  • Crystal says:

    I was happy to see my girls go back to school…one is in college and my baby just started Jr High…this momma is enjoying her piece of mind while there gone

  • Annie Brown says:

    I can’t wait for my kid to go back to school!!! Thanks for the great giveaway!

  • tangerine oliver says:

    I want these books!! I need the laughs when my 9 yr old is being insane 😉

  • Amber S. says:

    My daughter starts Kindergarten next week, so I am just starting with this whole back-to-school thing. At this point, all I’m wishing for is to find a darn pencil case to fit all of her friggen markers. School supply shopping was much more fun as a kid! Sorry to my Mom for the hassle I’m sure I caused you back then…

  • Kimberly H says:

    This is hysterical…. I’m laughing, crying, and telling everyone to read this post!!!

  • Stephanie Harper says:

    Thank you for making my day! I think you need to buy your daughter ice cream for promoting your book at school 🙂 I also think Drew needs 500 more nerf darts because if I have to deal my child having 500 days you should too lol

  • Brandy R. says:

    Awesome! I couldn’t wait for mine to go to school but I still have one at home with me. Than the hubby got sick and I wanted to help him feel better by putting a pillow over his face. Haha I swear sick grown men are worse than children.

  • Tricia Zerbe says:

    Omg!!! I couldn’t wait for my kids to go back to school! I think I did shoved them towards the bus a little too harshly. Oops! Anyway, love your back to school story. And I would LOVE to have signed copies if your books! They are ROTFFLMFAO!!!

  • Tierra says:

    Oh my…that’s all I can say. 🙂

  • Joanne Christenson says:

    I love this post. ..I love your honesty and those pictures

  • Dolores Mendez says:

    Love this series!!! Can’t wait to meet you in Phoenix.

  • k. simmons says:

    Have pity on me…I’m a teacher so now i also have to deal with everyone else’s children. Lol! Love your blog!

  • sarah larson says:

    Thanks so much for the giveaway! I absolutely love this series! I am fortunate that I only have one child and she loves school so I hear no complaints from her other than she has to get up early to make the bus.

  • Victoria schultz says:

    Omg seriously you are freakin awesome!!!

  • Danielle F. says:

    THANK YOU! I needed a good laugh – my kids are still home! They have a 1/2 day next Wednesday (really? what can I get done by 11:30?) and then they start on the 9th! My daughter is going into 4th and I am SO dreading Math! Before I went back to work my son told his teacher my job is doing errands and going to the gym, awesome. The Chocolate Lovers Series are three of my favorite books ever! So obviously I should win the signed set! 😉

  • Amber Slagle says:

    I am the mommy who sent one to Kindergarten this year 🙁 by Middle school I Amy be doing th bus stop jump 🙂

  • Fawn Zele says:

    My two oldest went back to school, happiest days ever. But I still have one at home. I can’t wait for the day all three are gone and I can day drink. Yep just went there.

  • Tricia Anderson says:

    OMG you are so funny thanks for the laugh! Hey do i get an extra chance in for being a bus driver? hey i drive all the screaming (yep had about 55 of them today UUGGG but i really do love my job 🙂 and i Love your books too.

  • Joni says:

    Love it! It was awesome meeting you in Vegas! Love the books!

  • Jenn Smith says:

    I love your family! Glad the kids are back in school, but so not ready for my twins 5th grade homework. (I barely survived 4th grade!) Luckily, my 8th grader doesn’t need my help and only talks to me when she needs makeup or shoes. 🙂

    Love your books! Recommend them all the time. They are my favorites! Hope to see you again when you come back to Texas!

  • Kristin Keene says:

    I really really want to win!!! Love Tara Sivec!!!

  • Sara says:

    Um.. wow.. .an Oops book is NOT OKAY. That’s not okay. THat teacher should be ashamed of herself.

    Thanks for the giveaway!!!

  • Mary Daniels says:

    I Loved this series, and recommend it to everyone! It had me rolling through all 3 books!! Hubby just looked at me like I was crazy, but oh well.. he isn’t a reader.. Thank you for the many laughs!!

  • Jamie Wadowsky says:

    LOL I have 4 kids 7,4,4,3. I will finally get 2 hours twice a week in two weeks I am so excited!!!!

  • Yvette says:

    That was hilarious. Thanks for that and for the giveaway. Love the kitten pic. 🙂

  • ashley a. says:

    Pick me pick me!!!! I don’t spit so I’ll never quit! You’re awesome! (See pick me because I know the difference between your and your’re!) I love the chocolate lover’s series more than a fat kid likes cake, no wait I really like cake too 🙂 if claire and Liz were in my life we would be bitches for life! Please pick me!!!!!! My life would soon be complete! Lol

  • Danielle Grater says:

    Enjoy the “me” time while the kids are in school. My daughter starts preschool for the first time in 2 weeks, and I’m excited sad about it! (Then again, I will be at work while shes at school so its not really a break for me.)

    So…. what’s the best thing for me to send to your PO box to bribe your kids to pick me? How about a box of pixi sticks?

  • Laura Mendez says:

    I LOVE this series. I remember reading Seduction and Snacks during my son’s football practice last year. I made most of the mom’s read it too. The fun moms were all over this book and thanked me every day for introducing them to it. 🙂

  • Rayni says:

    Hahaha love this 4+4=Potato and photo!! When my youngest went to school all day in 1st grade I did a cart wheel. It wasn’t a pretty one, but it was in celebration of our last runt of the liter in school all day. So it had to be done lol. I would love to win the books!!

  • Stephanie Boone says:

    I know exactly how you feel! Your kids sounds exactly like mine. My son complains ab his outfit daily, and the kids fight more nowt than when they spent the entire day together.I’m volunteering in my son’s preschool class this Friday. Wish me luck, I’m definitely going to need something to laugh about at the end of the day.

  • Jaime Collins says:

    My kids have been back to school for 3 weeks now and I’m ready for them to be on break again. Why do I have to deal with all this damn homework, I graduated *cough, cough* years ago!!

  • Rosa Campisi says:

    This year back to school is extra special because I’m going back to school too! Now 3 of us can be hungry tired and obnoxious at 3:30 PM. But we don’t start until 9/9 — ain’t nobody got time for that!

  • Kim says:

    Love Love the Chocolate Series!!! They are my go to books!! School this year just sucks cuz my oldest left for college:( signed copy of your book would be AWESOME!!!

  • Erika says:

    Hahaha! I love it! So very true. Thanks for the laugh…and the giveaway!

  • shannon says:

    I absolutely love this series it is hilarious. . I have recommended to everyone that I know has a Kindle

  • Angela says:

    I love it! I can’t wait until school. I wasn’t the mom crying on the first day of school either. Our school starts next week. I need some me time!

  • Cassandra Hicks says:

    You are the best EVER!!!!

  • Tiffany Trumm Jorgenson says:

    You rock. Hey kids! What’s read, white, and black all over? ………… A newspaper! That’s an oldie but a goodie.
    Thanks Tiffanynicole99@yahoo.com

  • Angie Ellis says:

    Hahahahahahah once again you are sooo accurate. BACK TO SCHOOL SUCKS….AS MUCH AS ITS BLISSFUL

  • Tina Stephens says:

    Love mine dearly, but totally did a happy dance & self high five when that bus door shut. It’s cause for celebration. I was just happy I didn’t have a daughter in Mr. Cross’s science class again this year. If you remember Tara, I’m sure you’ll understand!

  • Ashley LaFata says:

    I love this. You rock!

  • Noemi S says:

    I love my girls very much but this last week before school starts for them Moscato has become my best friend. Thanks for the giveaway and no kittens where hurt while posting this 😉

  • Natasha Andrews says:

    I wish i had alone time but Milo just started kinder and Bella is not when two yet..looking forward to all the kids being in school in a few years! Our first day of school was great but Milo decided that i needed keep me on my toes at home by swallowing a damn battery! See how i mentioned Milo..hoping i can get picked since his name is in one of your books 🙂 anyways love your books..pick me and i will take you and your family to magic mountain if you ever come to CA 🙂

  • jan walters says:

    I have never laughed while reading as I did with your first book! Haven’t read the others but would really love too. You are my kind of gal, crazy!!

  • Karen Lawson says:

    How funny!! This is my third year that I’m not going back into the classroom, as I have retired and am loving it! But I do remember those days with my kids (both birth ones and student ones) and I only wish I could have had you for a mom in my classroom – I would have had you come in and read children’s books and laughed behind your back as I was reading yours… 🙂

  • Tracie Griffith says:

    Tara you totally rock my world….so glad to have my kids back in school as well and my house sounds a little like yours multiplied by 2 (do you need your calculator app for that)!!!! I still have 1 at home, but I am enjoying the lack of fighting in the mornings and enjoying some good books!!! Love you Tara!!!!

  • Tianna says:

    Tara you have got to be the most fun parent in the world. I can’t wait to meet you in December and please kids, pick me I love your moms books. From the funny to the dramatic your mom has it going on. And yes as much as school sucks, adult life can too. As Adam Sandler said, For the love of God stay in school (or something like that)LOL

  • jaimy says:

    Thanks for the giveaway!!!….love all your books and reading your blog you always make me laugh!!! 🙂

  • Vicky Kimble says:

    I could read anything you write about all day long. Love us Tara!!!

  • cara olson says:

    My kids are still at the age where they were ecstatic to go to school this year, for about 2 days. Now it’s all too much work. I’m loving the extra books I get to catch up on though!

  • Nanci says:

    So Reese got off the bus and she had no backpack, had crazy eyes, out of breathe, hair a mess, and in general just panicked.

    Me: What’s wrong?

    Reese: I don’t know. It just happened all so fast and I just freaked out.

    Me: Oh No! What happened?

    Reese: I couldn’t find my locker and I got lost so I just ran to the bus without all my stuff. But I am not too worried about it. I should be able to find my locker and get to the bus too by the end of the week…a month tops!

    Me: So you’re telling me that I should not expect to see any homework until the end of September.

    Reese: Geez, Mom! Look at me! I am a mess and completely stressed out here! Gimme me a break. Middle school is for real!

  • Kimberly Stewart says:

    You are awesome and I love your books! I think it would be hilarious if the teacher read your books. Maybe she will ask you to be in charge of sex education? Also, I agree, school sucks and math blows!

  • Karen B. says:

    Ahhhh, the joys of parenthood. Just wait, it only gets better….high school is sooooo much fun. I have one starting college on Tuesday, one in high school and one in 5th grade. Not much difference – they all function at about the same level of crazy.

  • Tasha says:

    The picture cracked me up when I saw it on FB (sorry kids, it was too funny!).

  • Julie Hulstedt says:

    i am recently unemployed and got to spend the summer with my 10 year old son whilst I looked for a job…still looking by the way..I was excited however to spend this joyess time with Jacob..HOWEVER the constant I’m bored I just want to play xbox…on xbox all day screaming with friends killing creatures MINCRAFTING somehouse thing yelling DUDE you just killed me DUDE DUDE..ughhhhh could NOT wait for school to start..I got to hand it to those stay at home moms…how do you not stranlge your CHILDREN when they talk back and sass and mimic you with the same head weave I do when I’m trying to let him know I’m serious!!! lol if it wasn’t for my kindle and my reading I would be in the corner sucking my thumb as well. on a serious not a did get a littlr weepy on his first day of 5th grade….time goes to fast he’ll be gone before I know it. Tara your books are AMAZING! i have NOT laughed outloud so hard with any other books I’ve read. LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM recommend them to all my reader friends!!

  • Brandy says:

    I love your books. My husband cracked up watching me read them. Laughing loudly , crying for all the laughing and don’t get me started on the quoting I was doing EVERYWHERE!! ( needless to say screaming vagina in a restaurant on girls night out makes for funny faces at our table) I had a blast and thank you for that. U ROCK!! I totally forced my friends to read em I’m violent like that!!! THANKS AGAIN!!!

  • Miranda says:

    My aunt and I are huge fans! I can think of only one person who deserves this book and that is my aunt Carrie as she just had her first baby (Zachary) this week. I think she needs something to keep her sane as she enters motherhood. Ps I’m making baby Zachary a shirt that says ‘They Shake Me’ just like Gavin 🙂

  • Kristine says:

    Tara I love your writing and this blog was fun to read. Your family reminds me of my. Got to love sibling rivalry.

  • Nicole says:

    Santa threats don’t work in my house my 8 year old refuses to Listen to Santa threats, lunches don’t even get me started his school has outlawed peanut butter everything! Clothes thank gosh for uniforms! And tha k you for the chance to win! ( see me comparing you to the almighty there?)

  • Miranda says:

    My aunt and I are HUGE fans and no one deserves this Boole more than her this week! She just had her first baby, Zachary, this week and she is going to need something to keep her same as she enters motherhood!! Ps I’m making my baby cousin a shirt that says ‘they shake me’ 😉

  • Debra Diaz says:

    Back to school can suck it!!!

  • Josie Hink says:

    I just read the first book. I loved how funny it was. My kids started August 5 we are all loving it!!!

    Josiehink122026 at gmail dot com

  • Mandy I Read Indie says:

    oh.my.goodness. you nailed it with this post. my youngest started Kindergarten this year and I was skipping back to my house. finally after 13 years of being home with kids I finally have me time. but if my kids ask…I miss them terribly. ok?

  • Tracey Kruger says:

    Tara, I was laughing out loud. You’ve captured this feeling so well; just this afternoon I said several times, ‘It’s only the second day, and I’m already over it!’ I love your sense of humor, and your books. Thanks for the giveaway.

  • Lola Stark says:

    I can go two ways with this first I’m gunna do the pity vote .. I have 5 kids who have seriously beaten the crap outta each other, we’ve had busted noses, black eyes, swirly’s, push each other down the stair, almost every practical joke you can think of and plenty of blood to go with it .. yeah righto there isn’t bone poking out wipe that shit off and get back outside until it’s dark. Did I mention 5 kids and a husband who is as loud obnoxious and messy as all of them put together ?

    No ? Didn’t work ?

    Step two … Seeing as the kids are picking I’ll try bribery OI ! KIDS ! Yeah you two with the cute little face’s. I tell ya what you pick this post and Mom will let you have that bowl full of sugar for dinner and a new ipod or whatever the hell the newest brain draining devise is 😉 If she fails you just tell her to send you over here to Australia with the signed book and I’ll fill you full of sweets and send you back after you get to hold a koala … Hows that ?

  • Melissa says:

    Ha! I love back to school! I think the kids are just as happy to get a break from me as I am from them 😉

  • Jennifer P Cajas says:

    OMG im so excited thanks for such an awesome giveaway 🙂 You rock!!! hey kids make sure you eat all your CHOCOLATE… I mean your vegetables lol

  • Jenniffer Kilner says:

    Your freakin hilarious…. I love you and your books!!! 🙂

  • Monica M says:

    I need this!!! My boys are 3&2 and driving me ducking insane! Mommy needs a break!

  • Jenn says:

    My thoughts exactly. We started 2nd and 5th grade. I don’t remember homework so hard….yikes

  • Starlyn Legaspi says:

    If laughter is the best medicine, then I’m sure to be healthy as long as you continue to share your thoughts with us. Every time I read your books or blog posts in this case, you brighten up my day and put huge grin on my face. Love your work, lady!!

  • joy says:

    Have one kid in preschool and the other one is home. Ive read the series and loved it. Would be awesome to have hard copy. Good luck on day 3!

  • Daisy Moon says:

    Just so you know, I did the rocking in the corner also. Then I think I pulled someone’s hair. Yes, that was mine also. Pulling it out til I’m bald somedays. I need chocolate just thinking of it.

  • Jodie L says:

    I laughed so hard when I read this post!

  • Lisa Guertin says:

    Thank you for the laugh tonight.I sm do glad I met you st Book Bash in Orlando.

  • Lysa Lessieur says:

    Seriously? That’s ALL you’ve got? I had the teacher/husband AND kids home all damned summer while trying to run my full-time business from the same house. Did I mention I managed to create your masterpiece with all three of them using light sabers on each other, mario kart races and screaming in agony during the throes of death after death playing video games while simultaneously having first discussions on why it’s okay to touch your pee pee honey, it’s what boys do…and I KNOW it feels good and that’s why you want to do it, but you just can’t do it while standing with me while I speak to our postwoman or in the checkout lane at the grocery unless you’re purchasing a bottle of lube with it. Oh crap, he’s only 7. Do they have an age limit on lube? Could he be carded for that? Okay, enough shopping with mommy.

    We don’t have the Oops Book, they have “cards”. It’s a very complicated system of a yellow card, then pink card then orange and no matter how many times I threaten to turn him into a little girl in dresses with pigtails and send him to school if he DOESN’T stop ending up on pink every damned day for talking, he just points out that I never stop talking and that’s where he gets it from. BAM! What do you say to that when your nickname in school by the teachers was “Motor Mouth” until you were in 9th grade??? My NEW name? Hypocrite. True Dat.

    Yeah, so I have to wait until Wednesday before I can do my victory dance, run around the house naked, listen to my 3 year old ramble on and on and on and on and on and on…..and get back into some kind of routine to get work done. Which is about the time you’ll email me and tell me you need a new masterpiece for the new series, right? Well at least THIS one won’t have anal beads in the background! Of course, I’ll trump it somehow. FACT! <3

  • Joy says:

    I absolutely love your writing style! I can always count on reading your stuff to put me in a better mood. I love your books and would really really love to win your autographed books!

  • Isadora says:

    I saw your post on Maryse’s facebook page. I was laughing so hard reading your post. It made my day!
    I would love to win this series.

    Thank you!!

  • Erica Pillera says:

    Not a mum but an Awesome Aunty!
    Love this series

  • alison m says:

    That seriously just sounded like my daily life! Iv got a 2nd& 4th grader.. It never does end we just have to enjoy the during school hours best we can. Love love love your books. Thanks for all you are and most important you survived the back to school limbo ♥ 🙂

  • jackie b says:

    I love you Tara … you are hilarious and I can’t wait to read more of your books!

  • Gretchen de la O says:

    Alright kids…listen here, I have the perfect remedy for going back to school. First take your thumbs, insert them in both corners of your mouth and pull toward your ears. Then with your index (pointer)fingers, gently place them under your eyes…with minimal(small) force pull your lower eyelids down. Oooh…not to far. Then, with both pinkies, carefully push up on the tip of your nose. BE CERTAIN not to let your fingers accidentally enter the nostrils. Finally, cross your eyes, stick out your tongue and give school the big ol’ raspberry! If that doesn’t make you feel better about going back to school…I don’t know what to tell you. Just Take care of your Momma, she kinda a big deal!

  • Sue Pfannenstiel says:

    Can’t wait to meet you in Seattle!

  • Cassie Hoffman says:

    I loved reading that and couldn’t stop laughing. Thanks <3

  • Alyssa says:

    You are so hilarious Tara!! Love the chocolate lovers series. Can’t wait for more! <3
    🙂

  • nina salas says:

    I’m 30 and read the series! Loved it…..but I would totally take a pony too!!!!!

  • lena says:

    My son goes back to school on thursday. But i still managed to read chocolat lovers while he was off. Plus with my two year old their. But had to be done cos once i started it i could not put it down. Ive not laughed sooooo much reading a book before. The part with gavin anthe vibrated i almost pissed myself lol. But loved these books and cant wait for gavins story xxx

  • Jenn says:

    OMG…As I sit here with my husband and read him this story he spits his beer out laughing so dang hard!! He is now a fan!! Thanks for the laugh!!

  • Jennifer Hoos says:

    Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight. Oh! Back to school… back to school… back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

    Gotta quote billy madison at back to school time 🙂

  • Pam says:

    You crack me up. I love the Chocolate Lovers series. One of my favorites. Comment made by my 7 year old son this evening: how do you get it up without sucking?

  • Nicole says:

    Wonderful..Just great..I’ve been having these awesome dreams day in and day out of the kids going back to school for 2 months..pshh who am I kidding since the first WEEK they got out. In fact, I was pretty sure that was me jumping for joy in that picture and then in 2.2 seconds all those wonderful fantasies came crashing down the second I realized your spawns are my spawns long lost twins. I thought the name calling, the bickering, the fighting and the bribing was done for now, but nope my dreams were crushed, smashed, and are now these little tiny smithereens. I think I’ll go find my corner now…. UNLESS, that is, if this mama wins her favorite trio of books. Come on kiddos don’t be a dream crusher too..haha! 😉

  • Judy Navata says:

    This is why I Love you! I still have a week before mine start school. My 3yr old start full day pre-k this year! THAT’S RIGHT! No more 2 1/2 hour me time! I get a whole 6 hrs to myself!!! YAY!!!

  • Julie Kerr says:

    You crack me up! Love your books!

  • Staci Bailey says:

    I freaking LOVE you Tara, and this is why. I,too,am looking forward to next Tuesday when my son goes back to school. I love my little man, but he is just like Gavin from Seduction and Snacks…he has NO FILTER.NONE! Please, please, give me something to look forward too. I don’t just want your awesome book, I NEEEED it. My ebook is awesome, but seeing it in person is going to make me jump for joy…even higher than the jump I’m doing after my kid gets on the bus!!!!

  • Kyra Hamilton says:

    I don’t have any back to school stories except the traffic sucks every morning now but hey, I love the chocolate lovers series!

  • Trenesha Bivens says:

    Enjoy the ‘me’ time. But also enjoy those babies. The time will go by quick!!!

  • Jane Patton says:

    Thanks for a laugh, you made my day!

  • Cindy Salazar says:

    Too Funny! The joys of being a mother! Thanks for the giveaway! 🙂

  • Keriann Hoover says:

    I look forward to reading anything and everything thing you write! You always put a smile on my face after a shitty day at work. Thank you!!!!

  • Sara says:

    I love all of your books!

  • Kristie says:

    I think I love Lysa Lessieur almost as much as I do you……her post was pretty amusing.
    I’m hoping your kids pick me, because I have a kick ass library that your books would look fabulous in!

  • Tricia Santos says:

    Why am I always dying laughing when I read your blog posts? Claire’s inner monologue is exactly like your stories and it is hysterical!

  • Sarah Quintin says:

    hahahaha… ok I just discovered your books. And let me just say thank you for making the past two nights at work the most enjoyable (i work with old people nuff said). Needless to say I have been pimping your books to all my co-workers. Can’t wait to see what ypu have in store next. *mwah*

  • Abbie Young says:

    (__/)
    (=’.’=)
    (“)_(“)

    Vote for me and you get a bunny. A typed one…but no cats. I’m allergic to them.

  • Susan Cooley says:

    This made me laugh… a lot! I don’t have any kids but I listen to my friends say similar things! I love your books!

  • Stacy says:

    I am the sad mom who has a kid in kindergarten and one starting pre-school next week. I can’t wait til I am excited to throw my kids on the bus!

  • Sara Butler says:

    My oldest doesn’t go back to school until next week (c’mon…Tuesday!). I am so ready. I’ll still have my 2 year old with me all day, but let’s face it, going from 2 to 1 is *almost* like having none at all! Thanks for the giveaway!

  • Andrea says:

    LOL! I love you. You never fail to make me laugh. My son just started first grade yesterday. He still seems pretty excited, but he liked K better because they got to play more. The biggest news was that he get TWO snack times in first grade. YUP two….Great now I have to spend more money on crap to send in his lunch… 🙂

  • Tina says:

    I LOVE this post. Cracked me the eff up.
    I am counting down the minutes until my boys go back to school on the 9th!
    Thanks for the giveaway,
    T

  • Elle says:

    School schmool. Hey Kid 1 and Kid 2, ask Momma to homeschool you. I KNOW she would LOVE to. She just wants you to ask!!!! Love you, Tara!

  • Karen G. says:

    =^_^= this kitty loves playstation!! =D

  • Joy Pelloquin says:

    I find a lot of satisfaction in my kids complaining about getting their kids up and off to school and the fights over homework and bedtime. Its so hard to find sympathy for them. My kids were so easy and cooperative. At least that’s what they keep trying to convince me off. They tell me I must have early onset Alzheimers!

  • Amanda G. says:

    My Kids start school on the 9th of September. This is the first year with no homeschooling. I’m sure I’ll cry, while my husband pokes fun at me for it. 🙂 Thanks for the giveaway. Happy school year to your little ones!

  • Penny says:

    Tara, You are the BEST! I had tears in my eyes just reading this page. I LOVE your books and have shared with every girlfriend I can think of. Swear some of them thought I’d harm them if they didn’t buy the damn books already and READ THEM! I’ve resorted to giving them as gifts. Thanks for making me laugh. Thanks for continuing my love of reading and allowing me to be a crazy mom in the process. Nothing could be better. Can’t wait for your next book. Make the kids stay in their room so that you can write us another amazing story!!

    I have to share an oldie, but a goodie, with you. Years ago (before I had kids), my niece called about her first day of school. She was so very excited. She kept talking about her clip not getting moved. Over and over I heard this statement. Tara, I was freaked out because I mistakenly heard the ‘p’ in clip as a ‘t’. Once my sister calmed me down, we laughed hysterically. Needless to say, every year when the colors or clips or The Shame Book starts up, I laugh and giggle at my idiocy.

    Thanks for loving what you do and sharing with all of us. Now, have your kids pick me so that I can read your books without locating my electronic devices!

  • Marlena Fein says:

    Hey there little Sivecs, if you are reading this and pick my post I will buy you a pony and let you have sugar for dinner every night! <3 Love your honesty about parenting Tara. Mine left home 2 years ago. You think watching them get on the bus is a "hell yes" moment, just wait!!

    Good luck!
    Marlena
    charmedpoms(at)yahoo(dot)com

  • Gwen Jacobs says:

    I’m a mom but all are outta school….I’m a nana with a granddaughter living with us and she’s in school…. I need something to get me away from my crazy life !!! Thank you for this awesome chance !!!!

  • Kim Brown says:

    I work full time so it’s not much different for me. The lunch time menu planning sucks, I agree. They’re so picky!

  • Michelle T says:

    Oh man that’s too funny!! Last year was me crying, this year is me counting down the hours till school starts again and thinking about a possible raffle for a drama queen, walking temper tantrum of a 2 year old. Anybody? Thanks for the giveaway, you are awesome!

  • Robin Davis says:

    I have 5 kids. All in school. My husband and I start counting down the first day of school on the first day of summer vacation. I telecommute a couple of days a week and it’s nice to have a phone conference without having to mute the phone to tell someone to stop touching, looking, biting, hitting, annoying, looking at, breathing on…..(you get the picture). I think the first day of school is the only day I wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed. I toss them on the bus and run back to the house in glee to have a cup of coffee in peace.

  • Feifei Le says:

    EEEEEEEKKK!!!!! Awesome giveaway!! Literally burned off my boyfriend’s ears when I saw this! You rock lady 🙂

  • Kari says:

    Hey kids! If you pick me Ill put the kibosh on Santa getting a copy of the “Opps Book” It will all be our little secret 🙂

  • Nicole says:

    You crack me up!!! Too funny!

  • tara greseth says:

    I would LOVE to win these…thanks for chance

  • Nicole H says:

    In the waiting room at the doctor and randomly started laughing while reading post and got a lot of weird looks! My child does not start school until next year and I know I will be a blubbering mess. Thanks for the laughs and giveaway!

  • Kristen Gray says:

    I’m jealous!! My kids don’t go back until next week!! But I’m loving the fact that my “baby” will be in first grade!! Now both my girls (the older in fourth grade) are in school full time!!! 12 more years….

  • Theresa Fischer says:

    You gave me a good laugh! Thanks.

  • Jennifer Jones says:

    Thanks for the awesome giveaway!!!

  • Gaby says:

    Knock knock?…Who’s there?…Beats…Beats who?…Beats ME!

    Hope you liked my lame joke 😀

    Thank for the giveaway!

    gaby891 at yahoo dot com

  • Yvonne C says:

    That is hilarious. I work in retail and it’s really nice not to have kids screaming through the store all day long.

  • Jackie U says:

    My daughter is a sophomore in College, and yes I miss her when she’s gone, since it is just the 2 of us, but I was also happy when the end of August came and I dropped her off at school. I will appreciate the quiet that comes when I no longer have a house full of 19 year old girls.. every weekend… Thanks for the awesome giveaway !! Good Luck everyone XXX

  • SoniA says:

    Loved all your books!

  • IveGotLotsToSay says:

    My son is back in school. Started this week. Its now Friday morning. So far out of the 4 school days, we screamed and yelled 3 of the 4 days. Homework. He’s in 3rd grade. On day 2 he came home with a 100 lb backpack, 6 pages of homework and a shit load of papers for parents to fill out-and that’s not counting the shit load I had to fill our BEFORE school started. In the packet of shit I received, there is this cutesy little letter that explains you shouldn’t help your kid with homework and that it should take them 40 minutes to get it done. My response: FUCK YOU! FUCK 6 pages of homework! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I HATE! HOMEWORK! 40 minutes to do all that homework? They can suck it. I have my sons shit all spread out. Because I read that fucked up sheet, I am over here staring at the clock on the kitchen stove. He has only gotten through 3 pages in 40 min. Now Im thinking..OMG my son is slow! He will have to get on the short bus! His brain is fried from learning all day, more when he gets home. Then we start to argue because he isn’t reading the instructions on his homework cuz little man wants to just get this shit over with. Because he really didn’t read it right, he has to do some of it over. That’s when it started. My last nerve and evil horms came out of my head. I tried. I really did. I felt the blood boiling. I know hes just burned out but we gotta get this shit done. After everyone blowing up and him finally getting it done-it was 830 (and it started at 6). I. HATE. SCHOOL. There I said it.

  • Shannon S says:

    Seems I missed the giveaway but haven’t read your books but will check them out. Love your blog post. Refreshing
    To know that doesn’t just happen in my house!!

  • Ashley F says:

    Thankfully I’m done with school but my brother is another story. He’s rebelling heavily against the whole concept.

  • Samantha D. says:

    You are definitely one of the FUNNIEST writers ever! But Im so happy to see that your like this in real life too! Ive got to say **Coolest Mom Ever**

  • Alicia says:

    Thanks for the giveaway. I also have 3 kids that started school this week. One 9th grader,one 4th grader and a kinder. All are in school all day. I don’t know what to do with myself all day long now, lol!!

  • Debra Leibowitz says:

    Would love the chance to win your books. I am a math teacher. I need some joy in my life.

  • Gail says:

    Is it wrong that, on the first day of school, I dance around the house singing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”? My kids just roll their eyes at me

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