In case you guys missed my awesome Facebook post on Tuesday, my kids finally went back to school. I remember when each of them started Kindergarten. I held it together until they got on the bus and it pulled away. And then I broke down, sobbing, heaving, snotting all over the place, wailing about my babies being gone and “OH GOD! WHAT IF SOMEONE PICKS ON THEM AND I’M NOT THEIR TO KICK THAT LITTLE SHIT’S ASS????!!!”
This year, I got a tiny bit sad as we waited for the bus. However, they now get on the bus with their two cousins so there were four kids running up and down the driveway screaming and acting like fools. When I asked my son if he was excited to go back to school, his reply was: “School sucks. This whole thing can suck it. Why can’t I just play PlayStation forever?” I asked my daughter the same thing and she said: “It’s too hot. My backpack is too heavy. I’m thirsty. I’m hungry. Why did you make me wear this outfit? I’M SO FREAKING HOT. My shoes hurt my feet. IT’S SO HOT.”
As the bus pulled up, I kissed them both goodbye and shoved them into the road to get on. As it pulled away, I didn’t cry or worry. Me, my husband, and my sister-in-law did this:
As excited as I was for them to finally go back so I could have peace and quiet during the day, I forgot just how annoying school really is. Lunches to pack, clothes to pick out, arguments about clothes that are picked out, arguments about lunches that are packed, screaming, crying, yelling, fighting…and this is only DAY 2, people.
And let me tell you something, WTF with this homework? Is fourth grade math really something you’re going to use later in life? Answer: no. The only thing they need to know is how to use the calculator app on their smartphones. You can learn that shit in kindergarten and then never take another math class again. The only math I need to know is if a pair of shoes is $49.99 and 20% off, how much will I pay for them? Answer: who the fuck knows. That’s what the calculator app is for.
My son’s class has a new thing this year called the “Oops Book”. Basically, if you’re bad, you have to write your name in the “Oops Book”. If you’re bad again that day, your name gets circled. If your name gets circled AND underlined, the teacher calls the parents. Let’s just be honest here and call this thing what it really is: The Book of Shame. I already threatened my son’s life and told him he better never get his name in the “Oops Book”. I told him santa gets a copy of the “Oops Book”. I also told him God kills a kitten every time his name goes in the “Oops Book”.
I’m totally kidding.
I told him I’d kill a kitten if he gets his name in that book.
Oh stop, I love kittens.
My daughter told her teacher on the first day that her mom is an author. And she told her teacher about “Seduction and Snacks” and made sure she knew that it wasn’t a children’s book and that I told her she wasn’t allowed to read it until she’s 30. I was going to tell her to stop telling her teachers this information but now I kind of want to buy her a pony. This will probably ensure I don’t get any phone calls asking me to volunteer for classroom activities.
I assumed now that they are back in school, there would be less fighting in the evenings since they aren’t around each other all day and hey, maybe they might miss each other. WRONG. Fifteen minutes of being home from school today and there was a Nerf bullet to the eye, someone shoved off a bike, someone arguing about why he couldn’t have a bowl of sugar for dinner, and someone sucking her thumb and rocking back and forth in the corner.
That would be me, by the way. I’m the one rocking back and forth in the corner.
In honor of the kids going back to school, I’m going to give away one signed set of the Chocolate Lovers series (Seduction and Snacks, Futures and Frosting, Troubles and Treats) because all you mothers out there need something to laugh at during this time. And those who aren’t mothers need something to put them out of their misery while all the mothers are filling up their news feeds with this school shit. So, leave a blog post comment and I’ll let my kids pick a random winner tomorrow night when they get home from school so they can avoid killing each other for at least 30 seconds.
Happy back to school week.