*WARNING: If you are sensitive to the use of swear words, or you just don’t like them – leave this blog post immediately. I plan on using every swear word in the English language in this post, as well as a few that are quite possibly made up. Proceed with caution.
Let’s start today’s lesson off with a definition, shall we?
Brazilian Wax – Noun. From the Latin word “hurtslikeamotherfucker”. A Brazilian wax means most or all of your pubic hair is removed, including the hair around the very sensitive skin of the inner labia and anus.
During a Brazilian wax, a licensed cosmetologist or esthetician applies a thin layer of warm wax with a stick in the direction of the hair growth, applies a strip of paper or cloth, then pulls the hair out by its roots. And in the genital area, especially inside the labia, the skin is extremely sensitive.
Okay, so the “warm wax” is probably the only part of this definition that sounds moderately enjoyable, but I’m a glutton for punishment so why the hell not? I mean, I have 11 tattoos, my nose pierced and I had 2 c-sections. If I can survive that, a Brazilian Wax should be a piece of cake, right?
It might come as a surprise to you that I’ve never been waxed. I wrote a waxing scene in one of the Chocolate Lovers books, but I researched that with an interview with my stylist. I’m thinking if I would have researched it with an actual waxing, that scene would have had a whole different outcome. Mostly, an entire chapter of just swearing.
Let me just preface this by saying that I did not intend on getting a full Brazilian. My stylist convinced me to get a bikini wax since we’re going on vacation this weekend and I grudgingly said “Fine. Whatever. But you’re giving me a 30 minute reward-facial afterwards.”
So, I walk into the salon and as soon as she comes out to get me, I tell her I hate her. You know, just so we’re both clear on how much I’m NOT looking forward to this in case there’s any confusion.
I get undressed, wrap the towel around me and she tells me to sit at the end of the table with my legs hanging down. Well, at least I don’t have to put my feet in stirrups like at the gyno, so that’s one less mortifying part of the process.
She tells me there is a facial going on in the next room and that I have to be quiet. I just give her this look.
She hands me a towel and says “Here, shove this in your mouth to muffle your screams.” I hate her less at this point because at least she knows me and she is well aware of the fact that I cannot and will not be quiet, especially during what shall be forever known as “The Day My Vagina Died”.
Me: “Okay, this is NOT what I signed up for! I mean, it’s a bikini wax. One strip on the left, one strip on the right. Done. I’m pretty sure I can handle a little-JESUSMOTHERFUCKINGSUCKBALLSYOUASSHOLE!”
Yep. That would be right around the time she lathered the entire upper area with wax and RIPPED IT OFF without any warning. She then proceeds to tell me that I can totally handle a full Brazilian. She reminds me that I had 2 c-sections. I remind her that those came with Morphine and I don’t see a fucking I.V. anywhere in this room. I will say that she did tell me I should stop at the bar and have a couple of shots before my appointment, but I thought she was kidding.
Not wanting to interrupt the relaxing facial going on in the next room, I quickly shove the towel in my mouth as she puts more wax on me. The 2nd rip wasn’t as bad as the first. I knew it was coming so I was prepared. That doesn’t mean I didn’t scream like a mother fucker into the towel though. A few of my favorites:
“FUCKING MOTHER FUCK FUCKER!”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
“I’M GOING TO FUCKING DONKEY KICK YOU IN THE GOD DAMN NECK!”
Luckily, because of the towel in my mouth, the woman next door in facial land most likely only heard “MFFFFFMEEERRRFFFFMMMMMRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFEEEEMEEERRRFFFFFFF!”
And of course she’s telling me to “Just relax. It will hurt worse if you’re tense.” Yes, relaxing is soooooooo easy. I can barely relax when I get my eyebrows waxed. Let’s review: This is not the hair above my eyes. THIS IS THE HAIR ON MY VAGINA. My lady garden. My fun hatch. Republic of Labia. The Holy Grail.
Sure, I’ll get right on that whole relaxing thing.
And really, it’s not like you can fully relax. She can’t sneak up on you like a shot at the dr’s office. You feel the wax going on, you feel her smoothing the cloth strips down and you KNOW what’s coming next: YOU’RE VAGINA HAIR BEING RIPPED OUT BY THE ROOTS. By. The. Roots. She was even nice enough to show me the strips afterward with a big smile on her face saying “Look at those roots!”
After about the 5th time I screamed into the towel “FUCK YOUR FACE AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER’S FACE”, she reminded me that probably wasn’t the best choice of words to use when she was wrist-deep in my vagina with her face right in my nether region. Whatever. She’s one of my good friends after doing my hair for 4 years. We have just crossed over that imaginary line in the sand where good friends do not stick there hands all over your vagina when you’re both sober. There is no going back. If I want to scream “FUCK YOUR FACE”, I will scream “FUCK YOUR FACE”. There is really nothing that could make this moment any more awkward, believe me.
She also kept telling me “Your skin is really taking to this nicely. See? You should have done this a long time ago.” Obviously my skin is a mother fucking liar and should be killed. Why is my skin forsaking me?????
I’m going to tell you this. Never, EVER ask someone if getting a Brazilian hurts. It’s just like asking someone if getting a tattoo hurts. “No, having needles jammed into your skin for hours at a time is lovely. It feels just like being tickled by a feather.”
“No, getting a Brazilian doesn’t hurt. My clit was most likely ripped out right along with my pubic hair and it’s now stuck to a piece of cloth in the salon, waving good-bye to me fondly. Totally doesn’t hurt.”
At the end of the 20 minute torture session, I really would have liked a giant bath of ice water to soak my bits in. They burned, they stung…my vagina was ANGRY. I really pissed off my vagina. I felt like I should buy it a puppy or a pony, something to buy its love back so it would forgive me.
I will say, I am quite happy with the results. I’m still not sure if I’ll do it again in 6-8 weeks. Maybe it’s like childbirth. “You forget all about the pain.” That’s why people are stupid enough to have more than one kid. I’m assuming this works the same with waxing.
When I told my friend Beth Ehemann about my day, she sent me this photo and said “I imagine this is what your vagina feels like right now.”
Yep, that’s about right.