When I bring my poor husband along to book signings, he’s regularly told that it must be so awesome to live with me. He usually just smiles and nods even though what he really wants to say is “Are you fucking kidding me? She’s a hot mess at home!” He deserves a great big pat on the back for never telling the truth about how insane it is to live with someone who writes full time. In honor of his awesomeness, I’m going to share with you just how amazing it is to live with me. Try to contain your excitement.
1. I love to dress up for book signings. Usually, you’ll see me in a dress and 4 inch stilettos. I’ve managed to fool all of you into thinking I’m quite comfortable dressing like this and do it all the time. I used to. I worked in the corporate world for 14 years and wore stuff like that every single day. At home, I wear the same yoga pants, t-shirt and Ugg slippers for 8 days at a time. When I get dressed up for book signings and slip those awesome shoes on, I look like a newborn horse first learning how to walk. If you’re standing anywhere near me, I will latch onto your arm and bring you down with me.
2. Please refer to #1: I don’t change my clothes or shower for 8 days at a time. Showering takes away precious time. Time that I need to photoshop meerkats holding one of my books or Google my name in Urban Dictionary. I mean write. Time I need to write.
3. If you don’t text, I probably will never speak to you again. Checking my voicemail requires time that I don’t have (please see Meerkat photoshop addiction). I’m sorry I missed your birthday party…six months ago, and wasn’t able to answer that really important question that was so important you didn’t state it in said voicemail that you left me 2 years ago. I’ll get back to you when I teach my smartphone how to actually be smart.
4. If I have my laptop, phone or iPad in my hand, chances are I will hear nothing you are saying to me and ask you to repeat yourself 5 times before I finally admit defeat and tell you I wasn’t listening, nor am I planning to. It’s probably best if you just send me a text from way over there on the love seat.
5. When I quit my office job to write full time, I was so excited to be home and have all day to plan amazing meals and try new recipes. I’m sorry you quickly had to learn that “new recipes” meant new boxes of cereal being thrown on the table and me having constant bitch-face whenever you ask me what’s for dinner. And when you say to me “You know, tonight was the first night you’ve cooked in like 6 months?”, don’t be surprised if I look at you and say “Fuck your face right off.”
6. You probably thought PMS was the only time you would have to deal with an emotional, crazy woman who would be laughing hysterically one minute and curled up in the fetal position crying the next. Sorry to say that this roller coaster of emotions will happen every single time I am writing a book, finish a book, release a book or think about a book I want to write, finish or release. So basically, every day.
7. When I read you a sentence from something I’m writing and the expected response is laughter, you should probably laugh. Or at least crack a smile. Saying something like “I guess I need to read the rest of it to get the humor in that sentence” will most likely turn my current work in progress into a psychological thriller filled with blood and a horrific, painful death. Yours, in case you were wondering.
8. I will come up with the perfect scene at the most inopportune times. Most likely when we’re having sex. Luckily, these are typically sex scenes so when you hear me whispering about the exact motion of your hips and the placement of your hands, just be confident in the fact that you’re doing so well I feel the need to memorialize it forever in print. Unless of course you’re doing something wrong.
10. I never leave the house. Ever. I really don’t know how I went into an office every single day. I actually took a shower, got dressed up and put on make-up every single day. In a little over a year I have become a hermit and I don’t even care. It needs to be something pretty major to drag my ass out of this house. But let’s be honest here, even if my house is on fire, I will probably just look at the fire and be like “Eh, I’ve got shit to do. You’re going to have to come up with something better than burning all of my worldly possessions to get me out of my yoga pants and off of this couch.”
11. I will be oblivious to everything going on around me (see #10 regarding house fire). At some point during the night I will turn to you and say “The kids are already in bed? Geeze, that’s early.” To which you will reply “Honey, it’s 2am. They kissed you goodnight 5 hours ago.” I have a chapter to finish and when that happens, I usually forget that I even have kids and that they actually still live with us.
12. Don’t be surprised if in the middle of a conversation, I either: A.) Get up and walk away, B.)Straight up tell you to shut your mouth C.)Start crying, D.)Tell you I suck at everything and THEN start crying, E.)Tell you I’m awesome and then laugh maniacally, F.)Call someone a fuck face dick nose shit stick asshole and it may or may not be you I’m referring to, G.)All of the above, all at the same time. It’s most likely nothing you’ve said or done so don’t be afraid. As a writer, we have this thing called bat shit crazy. Unfortunately, there is no cure. Side effects may cause homicidal tendencies.
13. Just because I suddenly decide to clean out the pantry, take up a craft project I saw on Pinterest or alphabetize all of my books doesn’t mean I have nothing to do and you should proceed to make a list of things I could do instead. It means I have writer’s block or I’m procrastinating something I don’t want to do involving my characters. Any and all suggestions regarding what I can do next will be met with a swift kick to the face. Additionally, saying things like “Shouldn’t you be writing?” will result in you no longer having testicles.
14. When I get into the “zone” and you see me hacking away at my computer in fierce concentration, don’t ask me what’s for dinner, if I’ve seen the sock you lost, if you can have a piece of candy, show me a video on Facebook that’s hilarious, read an article out loud to me, talk, breathe, blink or look in my general direction. It’s best if you just leave without saying a word. I won’t worry or even notice that you’re gone, it’s fine. I will LITERALLY lose my shit when I’m in the zone and you interrupt me. Lose it all over the place.
I’m pretty sure that after reading this and being reminded of my awesomeness, hubs might be moving out. Although to be fair, he’s the one who gave me all of these items so really, it’s his own fault.